I am sitting in the dark. It is 6:43pm. I have my headphones on but I don't have any music playing. I hear loud thumping outside my back window from a vehicle passing my apartment. The only light that is in my apartment right now is provided by a string of Christmas lights... unless you count my laptop screen. I'm wearing a ripped sweatshirt that I do not have the heart to throw away. It's been a part of my life for five years now and I wear it to bed most nights to keep myself warm. I don't know. Tonight is strange. I know I owe my sister a return phone call but I'm just not feeling very social. I was invited to a storytelling competition in Old City tonight but instead I'm here, writing nonsense. Although, I don't mind. I'd usually choose writing of any type over any sort of socialization. Unless I have cabin fever. Sometimes I get cabin fever. I've been thinking about family a lot recently. My one sister seems to have disappeared off of the face of the universe while another one is suddenly hopping back into my life. Also, my brother.. who I haven't seen since September of 2006, called me twice in one month. In addition to that, my mom called me last night "just to talk." This is the second time this year that she called me "just to talk" and frankly I was suspicious. Although, I must say... she sounded extremely depressed. It made me sad. I kept asking her if everything was okay and I felt like she was lying. I'm very confused about my parents. I love them so much and I know they love me.. but I also know that I'm a disappointment. I've disappointed both of them for separate reasons. I disappointed my mom because I am not a Christian and I'm not straight and I don't want children and I'm not a republican. I'm basically the exact opposite of what she wanted me to be. I disappointed my dad because I'm not pursuing my career and I have no intentions of pursuing my career in the near future. I also disappointed him because I moved to suburban Philly and I have no intentions of moving back to the Lehigh Valley in the near future. Actually, I don't ever see myself moving back there period. It's not for me. Just like the traditional "a husband, two kids, and a golden retriever" lifestyle just isn't for me either. The annoying thing is that I know perfectly well what I want out of life. But the people who mean the most to me.. they don't want me to want what I want. They want me to want what they want. And you know what, I'm happy with my own dreams and I'm extremely happy to be following my own dreams.. but in the back of my mind I just think of my parents and how much I disappoint them. They do so much for me and what do they get in return? A kid who is exactly what they don't want. That hurts me. I wish I could be what they want, because they were great parents and they deserve what they want. But when it comes down to it, it's my life.
Okay, the ten minutes are up. I feel slightly better. I'm not going to go up there and edit any of that. It's one hundred percent raw nicole-thought.
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