I went to the mall with Kevin and I couldn't help but laugh to myself. My ex-boyfriend is so gay.
How I shop:
"I want to go into this store." And then I take a quick lap and leave. Sometimes I consult a friend. "Do you think this is a good price?" My average total spent at the end of the day: $20. Usually not spent on clothing.
The stores I like include Zumiez, Converse, Vans, Urban Outfitters, Free People, stores with cooking gadgets, American Apparel, Spencers, Hot Topic, book stores.
How Kevin shops:
"Um, Nicole, do you want to go into this store?" "Um, Nicole, can you hold my bags?" And then he walks around the store for a good half hour. And then he spends a good half hour in the fitting room. But the stuff he picks out never fits right.. so he spends another half hour walking around the store. Meanwhile I'm standing at the door staring at my cell phone with his bags at my feet. Now and then he yells from the fitting room, "Does this look good?!" His average total spent at the end of the day: $500. All clothing.
The stores he likes include Banana Republic, Calvin Klein... and basically anywhere else that sells plain basic white t-shirts for $50 and man purses and fluorescent tight undies for men.
He's really so gay. I'm so amused by it. The only thing that's missing is that he wouldn't ever want to actually date a man because he does like women. But men hit on him all of the time.
I conducted an experiment. I planted a seed and I stepped back and watched it grow.
We went into a store and there was this cute little gay man employee. I looked at Kevin, who was headed straight for the jeans next to the gay man, and I over enthusiastically exclaimed "*sigh of exhaustion* Kevin!! You are SO out-shopping me!!!" I gave a little smile to the gay man and found a cozy spot to observe from afar.
Sure enough, the gay employee immediately pounced on the opportunity and assisted Kevin in finding the perfect pair of jeans. He even told Kevin that he would look cute in them. Kevin was very flattered. Meanwhile, I was dying in the corner trying to not pee myself from laughter.
That was amusing.
But what wasn't amusing was toting around 18 freaking bags that all belonged to Kevin all day. And going into every Starbucks within a 14 mile radius just for him to walk in, observe the line, sigh, and tell me he didn't feel like waiting.
I dated a female for four years. I swear. I killed bugs for him. I held doors for him. I got the grocery bags. He always suggested that we listen to Justin Timberlake. He cooked me dinner. Mind you, last night he made me spaghetti and needed me to open two jars for him. And he forced me to drink wine when I really just wanted to lounge on the couch with a beer and watch The Office.
Everything makes sense to me now. Anyway, Kevin will always be one of my favorite friends. He actually knows me more than anyone else in the universe knows me. Really. And it's scary because to this day we still complete each other's sentences and have complete conversations based off of facial expressions.
Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed that Kevin isn't gay. He would make a fun gay bff. Then again, I already have like 80 gay bffs. I'm such a fag hag. I could never pull off the post-gay look. I know waaaay too many people who pretty much fall into every gay stereotype. Not on purpose. *shrugs* It is what it is. You can laugh at me all you want. I'll be in the gay club sandwiched between 5 gay men holding cocktails as we talk about interior design and Lady Gaga.
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