Freewrite on falling.

It's been six months and you still confuse me.  I still think of your soft legs, the way your soft lips felt against my chest.  Holding you tight, your gentle hair rubbing against my face.  I remember thinking, "I want to hold you and take care of you. Make you smile when you're sad, tell you you're beautiful."  I want to look into your beautiful eyes and tell you how perfect you are in your existence.  As a writer I think about that a lot. 

I go places to look at the scene and write.  Some places are just so perfect in their existence.. from a crack in the wall to the flower growing out of it, the piece of chipped concrete on the sidewalk, the peeling paint exposing a different color below.  It's all perfect, just like you.  Every flaw is just beautiful and I want to just.. appreciate those flaws.  Fall for them, really.  But I won't allow myself.  Why?  What is wrong with me?  It's been six months.

I'll tell you what.. here's what happened to me.  I, like every girl at this age, am broken.  Someone hurt me so bad that I feel like my heart doesn't beat anymore.  I don't know how I survive from day to day, but I do.  I think about his smile, his eyes, his soft hands, his soft lips.  I think about how he loved me.  How it was deeper than any feeling I've ever felt.  How it made me cry.  And he broke me.  I broke him first, but he broke me second.  And it doesn't matter who gets hurt first.. in a love that deep, it kills both people. 

Two years later and I'm dragging myself along.  I feel like I have a suitcase filled with all of this pain and I can't drop it off anywhere.  For some reason it's attached to my hand and I have to take it everywhere.. and when you kiss me, hold me, send me pretty pictures with a beautiful smile and gorgeous squinty eyes, my suitcase is by my side.  It makes me hurt.  It makes me want to run and hide forever. 

I'm a very scared person.  When will I get over this?  When will the pain go away?  When will I look into someone's eyes and forget about the past?  When will I finally, FINALLY, look into the fucking future?  When will I allow myself to fall for someone.. again?