The good kind of reckless

It's been quite awhile since I've been here.  It's been quite awhile since I've analyzed myself, really.  I think at this point I'm letting myself go a little bit crazy, because without analyzing myself... I don't catch the things that I shouldn't be doing.  I don't say "Hey Nicole, looking this over, you've made a lot of really fucking bad decisions.  You should change that."

I don't really know where to begin.  I don't even have the foggiest idea of where to end either.  So I'm just going to do this in a freewrite type-deal.  Because maybe if I just let my thoughts fly away, I can get to the bottom of this.  Whatever "this" is.

Freewrite startsss... now (10:32pm).

I'm in my living room.  I'm not wearing a shirt.  I'm wearing a pretty bra and the comfiest sweatpants I own.  My TV is on but I have the movie paused.  There's a very dim light on and I'm enjoying the last bit of chocolate that's in my mouth.  My hair's a little bit crazy... like me.

Last night I went to Ricky's apartment.  I downed two PBRs and a shot of whiskey in about fifteen minutes or so, and then trekked down the hill to the trashiest bar I'd allow myself to go to.  I danced a little, sang with my friends, ate the greasiest pizza on the sidewalk, and went to a sex toy shop to discuss glass dildos with my friend's girlfriend.  I fought with a random stranger on the street who said something ignorant to someone.  But overall, it was a nice night.  It was like every other night.  Most of my nights are nice now and I love that.  I love what I created for myself.  I love where my courage has brought me.

As we walked back up the hill, I had a smile on my face.  I looked around and thought to myself, this is the good kind of reckless.  Why on earth do I keep seeking the bad kind of reckless?  Why have I been incredibly attracted to dangerous situations lately?  I feel like I'm only going to luck out so many times.  I feel like one of these days, I'm going to end up dead.

Yes, dead. 

I think I need to re-evaluate some things.  I need to stop going for the bad reckless and head towards the good reckless that's so readily available to me.  Why am I so ... crazy?  Why do I seek the adrenaline rush of bad situations?

Enough of that.

There's something I love about being on my own with no one to stop me from doing what makes me happy.  The other day I was in my apartment and the sun was shining through my dusty blinds.  I put a nice warm hooded sweatshirt on and drove to northwest philly.  I walked around for hours, entering every store that seemed interesting to me.  I enjoyed the cool crisp air, I loved the strangers surrounding me, I loved the sound of the traffic and the joy that I had when I studied each store front.

Everything is just so good and I've always been one to try to fuck things up when everything is good.  I need to stop putting myself in dangerous situations.  I care about myself, I do.  I love myself, I love the life that I created for myself, I love the people that I've selected to go on this wonderful jounrey with me.

I need to stick to the good reckless, not the bad reckless.  I need to settle with the beer, whiskey, and friends.  And I need to find more comfort in simple things, like wandering through little stores by myself with no one to tell me, "let's go home."

My life is really just so good right now.  I need to keep it that way.  Two years ago I found myself wandering around New Hope by myself at night, writing poetry and observing people.  It used to be enough back then, it should be enough right now.  Why isn't it?

I need to roll out some serious changes.