It's about that time.  I haven't given a run-down on my life in awhile.  Here goes.

I'm 26 now.  The world outside isn't as colorful as it used to be.  When I used to look outside, I used to see a beautiful palette of colors, painted trees dripping into the colorful lakes beneath them.  Now I just see concrete and I don't even remember when leaves look like.  Those fell off the trees ages ago.

So I'm 26.  I work at the law firm and it makes me feel like a failure.  I'm not what my mom or dad wanted out of me.  They expected bigger, better things, and they're the only two people in the world that I would do anything for.  I love them with every single piece of my beating heart.  They are the shining light in the dark alley that keeps getting darker and darker.

But I like being a paralegal, I do.  I love filing lawsuits and motions, smiling at attorneys and fighting with judicial clerks.  Why is it that I'm given the burden of pleasing my parents?  Because my parents are hard to please, I guess.

I live with my best friend.  I love her with every ounce of blood that flows through my veins.  I love her smile and that cute way about her as she flops around on the couch, gossiping to me about everyone in the universe.  I love when she's tipsy with that flask of whiskey in her hand, holding her head real close to mine and telling me that she loves me.  She's a little piece of me that I don't ever want ripped away.

My other best friend's license is suspended.  Mr. Keith.  If my parents have my heart and Ricky gets my blood flowing, Keith is definitely hiding in my bones somewhere.  He's always kept me standing.  Always gave me a reason to stand.  He always says to me, "A happy Nikki is a fun Nikki."  When I'm sad, he knows just how to cheer me up with those deep little dimples of his.  I miss him so much.

Andrew.  The biggest, most comforting enigma in my life.  I just want to fall into his soft arms and stay there.  I don't know if he wants to stay.  I want him to want to stay.  He's the salt in my tears, I think, which isn't much to be proud of.  He's the one person who can break me with as much as one word.  I hate feeling vulnerable.  But he's the one person in the world that makes me totally willing to be vulnerable.

If being with Andrew means that he might break me one day, it'll be worth every ounce of pain.  I love him.

The world is far from fair and there is no entitlement.  Life will, at some point, suck for everyone. And you can't hide from it either.  You can run away to Timbuktu and eventually life will find a new way to suck.  I guess I'll stick around and let it suck here.

I'm not fond of my job, I miss Keith, I miss security, I miss my mom and dad, I miss my grandmother, and generally I'm just not proud of who I am at all.

I'm just a plain girl these last few days.  I want to be fucking bright and colorful again.  I want to be a loose cannon running around in my underwear.  But I'm an adult now.  It fucking sucks.