But I didn't smile. I tried so SO hard.
Friday I went to my friends' new home in South Philly. It was beautiful. They have a beautiful little courtyard. It's like paradise in the middle of abandoned rowhomes, locked up businesses, and a weird industrial feel. Usually that would put a smile on my face. Seeing a little slice of heaven like that in the city. Looking at the vines as they creep up the side of the rowhome next door.
But no, no smile. Again, I tried so hard.
After that I was jammed into a tightly packed band van with four members of my friends' new band. They drove us to Brooklyn and we hung out at the friendliest bar I've been to. I flirted with a cute guy who gave me all of his attention. I sat in a smoky van with a weird Jamaican artist who draws penises doing weird things for a living.
But yeah, no smile.
This morning I walked to a coffee house in Brooklyn with a good friend. We drank espresso and ate croissants while talking about sex and drugs. I popped a smile.. for a millisecond, but it dissipated and it didn't come back.
So then I went back to South Philly to part with my friends and then needed to head up to Northwest Philly. As I drove through a congested center city I started crying and I was MAD. Fucking FUMING mad. I was thinking to myself, what the fuck am I doing wrong? I'm not getting wasted, I'm not pursuing a rebound, I'm not doing drugs, I'm not trying to fight to get Andrew back.
I'm focusing on my career, I'm doing all of the things that used to make me happy pre-Andrew, and I'm spending all of my time on friends and family. What in the fuck is going on? It was like Andrew was an upper that I was addicted to and he cut my supply. I don't know how to be happy. I literally do every single thing in my power to be happy and I just cannot be happy. Do I forget how?
So I called my mom in busy center city traffic both crying and yelling. I didn't mention what's his face. I just said.. I don't fucking get it. Theoretically I'm doing everything right. Why can't I find my happiness?
My dad grabbed the phone. As always, he immediately had something brilliant to say to me.
"Nicole, you ARE happy. You just don't even know it."
I stumbled over my words and I said.. "I think you're right." My dad told me to focus on my career. To do my absolute best for 8 whole months and he'd gift me with tuition money for a program that I want to take.
I have the best dad in the world. I swear. I love him so much. He doesn't understand how much he means to me. My mom is great too. She said, "Nikki, you should be proud of yourself."
So yes, I believe that I am happy.. I just forget how to feel it I suppose. To really truly feel it when it's actually occurring. Because I look back now and think "Holy crap I had a good couple of days there." I think I just need to give it time and then I'll remember how to feel the happiness as it is actually happening.
So my parents made me smile. I went from angry to happy very fast through that phone call. I spoke to my mom from Lombard to Kelly. I said, "Mom, the Schuylkill River looks beautiful today."
I decided that I'm close to getting over Andrew. I'm at the angry stage. I'm angry at him for numbing me. I'm angry at him for being a selfish prick. I'm angry at him for hurting me, for manipulating me into thinking that our relationship was something that it wasn't. Also, I'm done making excuses for him. I'm done feeling sorry for him. He didn't take any action to make himself better- do I really want to be with someone like that?
Also, flirting with all these cute, smart, put-together men in South Philly and Brooklyn made me realize that guys like Andrew are a dime a dozen. I'll be okay. I don't want a relationship ANY time soon. Not until my heart heals. But when the time comes where I'm ready, I'll be okay. I'm only 26 and as my grandmother said, "there are other pebbles on the beach."
Anyway, I had a great weekend and it's only Saturday. Holy shit it feels good to type that.
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