Broken heart

I don't know.  The world is strangely still to me today.  I hear the rain pecking at the window but it still feels like the world's not moving.

I'm in love and it hurts.  It hurts because I'm in love with someone with a mental illness.  Last night he told me that he still has feelings for me but that he doesn't want to destroy me.  He's destroying me by NOT being with me.  I told him the truth.  That he has a serious mental illness paired with alcoholism and drug abuse.  He said he's never had someone be that honest to him in years.

But none of it matters.  I cut ties with him as of last night, because I don't deserve to feel this much pain.  I wish I could be friends with him but right now that's just too hard for me.  He's all that I think about.  I think about how much fun we've had.  How much fun we were even having up until last night.

On Thursday we moshed in a crowd, I was covered in dirt, sweat, pizza grease and beer and we had sex in my Jeep on a busy street in South Philly.  Afterwards he snuggled my warm little foot, and he had such torment in his eyes.  He said, "You know I can't give you what I need."  I didn't say anything.  I feel like it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

I remember kissing him by the bar and it was literally the best kiss I've had in years.

This guy is perfect for me.. but he's broken and I can't fix him.  He has to fix himself.  I am hoping with every ounce of my soul that he will use this time away to work on himself and fix his problems.  I'm not sure what to expect.  He always surprises me with the exact opposite of what I expect- so I never know what to expect anymore.

Who knows, maybe I had to come into his life to help him get his act together.  Sort of how I came into Chris's life to get his act together.  Chris taught me to let down my guards and love fully again.  Andrew taught me to be prepared for anything.  I am hoping that whoever is next down the road teaches me that I can learn everything else from just one person for a long time.  Because I'm ready for another long term committed relationship.

I love being in love.  And I loved loving Andrew.  But it should be easy- with Andrew's depression and alcoholism it wasn't easy.  Kevin taught me what easy was.  I'm looking for that.

One of these days it will happen and I will be the happiest girl in the world.  My smile will be as wide as possible and my hand will be so ready to hold his.  I want to kiss him and hold him and be the reason he smiles when he wakes up in the morning.

That's what I want.  And I wanted that with Andrew.  But nothing makes Andrew smile anymore.

I was going to throw away his stupid pen with bite marks today.  I was going to chuck it into the canal because I was so pissed at him for telling me that he has feelings for me again.  But I didn't.  I said to my mom, "Couldn't throw it away.  I have too much respect for him.  He has a mental illness.  It's not his fault.  One day I'll part with it in a nicer away."

My mom said "Good choice my love."

I've made mostly good choices since Andrew broke up with me.  Minus having unprotected sex with him and needing to take a morning after pill.  But I gotta give myself a break.  I deserved at least one fuck up because I've done a lot of not-fucking-up.

One day this will all fucking make sense.  Or at least I hope it does. Because let me tell you, my heart is so broken that I feel like if I were to cut my chest open to take a peek, I'm not even sure it'd be pumping in there.