Been lying to myself

I hate you Andrew.  I've been saying that a lot and I mean it with every fiber of my being.

I hate you for making me feel small, insignificant, unintelligent.  I hate you for making me so burned out tonight due to studying my ass off, working my ass off at my new job, hating myself for not making it to the gym tonight, not remembering to pay my bills because I'm so exhausted that I can hardly form sentences.  You're the reason for all of this.

I study because you made me feel stupid.  I want to prove you wrong.  But maybe you're not.  I work my ass off at my new job because you made me feel like my old job wasn't good enough, and now I'm tired.  Fucking dead tired.  And I don't even know if I want this career growth that you made me chase. You're the reason I go to the gym because you made me hate the tiniest bit of body fat.  Because you made me feel ugly when I forgot to pluck my eyebrows, do my nails, buy pretty things, give myself facials.

So now what?  How the fuck do I fix the disastrous mess hiding in her bed at 7:56pm.  My hair is unkempt, my brain is neglected, my bills are unpaid, I didn't call my parents today, I didn't go to the gym today.

Is this okay?  Is it okay to not be perfect all of the fucking time?  You made me feel like it's not.  BUT LOOK AT YOU.

I think I need to figure this shit out sooner rather than later.  I cried on the way home from work today.  Almost died- nearly got t-boned by a car who ran a stop sign doing at least 45.  My heart raced and the tears poured harder.  I entered my home and ate a snack, immediately headed to bed.  Slept for three hours. Woke up hating everything about myself.  My decisions, my life, my past, my body, my soul, everything.  I hate myself tonight.

But I hate you more, you fucking asshole.  You broke me.  Who are YOU to break ME?