Today was a weird day. I felt rather pensive. I woke up missing your beautiful shining eyes. Your shaking hands, your nervous gulps. I was so thankful when I entered the office. I focused on preparing motions and dealing with clients all day which helped me regain some happiness, but when five o'clock rolled around, your sad eyes and dry lips poured back into my brain.
So I made dinner and sat at the table talking to Ricky for an hour. I went to the gym and worked out. I went to a coffee house and meant to study for the LSAT but I spent most of my time writing poetry about you. About how much I fucking hate you. About how much I miss you. I e-mailed my brother back while I slowly sipped on my iced rooibus tea. I cruised down Main Street with the windows down looking for you. I've looked for you everywhere today.
When I got back to my neighborhood I cruised to a few stores looking for a gift for my friend Annie. Couldn't find anything so I got a candy bar, sat by a dark park and wrote another poem about you as I devoured my chocolate.
Came home to my laughing roommate and her laughing girlfriend. We joked around. But here I am in my room again feeling down. When will this go away? Is it simply that you're filling a void in my heart and that it's not really you that I'm mourning? Am I truly just mourning my empty spot?
I don't think anything at this point in my life can fill up that void. Nothing. I have every other piece of my heart filled to the max except for that one little tiny spot that needs to stay vacant until I'm done working on who I am. I don't want to give myself away to someone until I'm the person who I want them to fall in love with.
But you loved me. I loved you. And now you're gone. Maybe they'll leave too. I don't know. I try to not think about it. I try to fill my brain with law law law. Law and Keith. Law and family. Law and poetry.
But who in the actual fuck am I kidding? You still hurt pretty bad. And I bet I don't even cross your stupid fucking mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment