Firework

When Andrew started dating me, my world was dark and I was in a rut.  I told him, "Andrew, I feel like my life is a dark alleyway and you're my little streetlamp."  So I held on tight to his tattooed arm and gazed lovingly into his apathetic eyes.  He gave me excuses for his apathetic eyes.  "I have depression."  "My medicine makes me cold."

Then my streetlamp blew out and I am so thankful for that (now, at least).  At first, my world became darker than it was before I met Andrew because when you have a little streetlamp for six months, you're not accustomed to what it's like without one.

But then something beautiful happened.

Towards the end of my relationship with Andrew, I kept describing myself as his little firework.  I even wrote him this poem, explaining what it would be like if he left me:

The Dewy Grass

When I was a firework on display,
I grabbed the fibers of the sky and held on tight.
I tried to shine brighter than the moon, the stars.
My fiery sparkles fell to the dewy grass
And were soaked up by your pants.
I remember most the reflection in your eyes,
Paired with the white glimmer surrounded by gloss.
I remember the way your lips parted,
And I was as loud as could be, for you.
And when my audience left,
He vanished so quickly.
The dryness in his eyes came fast.
That was it—no more reason for me.
So I fell to the grass, where I belonged.
I sizzled in the soil, I burned myself out.
There’s no reason for me, anymore.

And when I left him, not only did I feel like I was in a dark alleyway with no streetlamp, but I felt like a sizzled out firework.

But that's the thing.. to be a sizzled out firework you had to have been a firework at some point.

So after lying in the grass for a few weeks, I don't know how in the holy fucking hell it happened but  one day I managed to look around and...

I was in the sky.  A firework once again, but the biggest one I've ever been.

I'm thankful that I met Andrew.  And more importantly,  I'm thankful that he broke my little heart.  I'm on the right track now.  I needed to meet Andrew to help me become a better Nicole.  I'm a firework now.  A firework who doesn't need a man to put herself into the sky.