Turning point

A lot can change in a year.  A lot.  It's October 10, 2014.  Where was I on October 10, 2013?  A different town.  I had a different job.  I hadn't had my heart broken yet, nor had I fallen in love a second time yet.  I wasn't a city resident.  I didn't have a personal trainer.  I wasn't going to therapy.  I was happy.  I'm happy now.. but a different kind.  It takes work to be happy now.  But I'm willing to work as hard as I need to, because I want to be happy.

I was happily single and seeing a few people.  Chris Thompson put a little crack in my heart but he hardly broke it.  My relationship with my parents was building but it hadn't yet blossomed into the beautiful flower that it is now.  I lived alone, not with a roommate.  Keith and I were still good friends and it wasn't as turbulent as it is now.  I hadn't explored nearly as much as I have now.  I have been quite an adventurer for the last year, sneaking my way into every nook and cranny of this perfect city.  I wasn't financially secure like I am now.  I wasn't considering investing in stock and I wasn't planning a trip to Hawaii next year with my parents.  I didn't have a 401k. I wasn't lucky enough to have been asked into my friend Alyssa's wedding yet.  I didn't really have any real close female friends then.  I do now.  I'm thankful for that  Women need to stick together and support each other.  When the men wuss out on us, we need a nice strong woman to help us regain our stability.

My face wasn't aging.  I can feel it now, though.  I need that moisturizer I put on.  I don't get carded anymore, except when I'm with younger friends.  I dress like a young professional most days, and then when I go out to play at night I rock bright red lipstick and crazy clothes I wouldn't have dared to wear a year ago.  I still smoke a cigar when I'm really sad.  I don't drink much alcohol anymore though, minus my weekly margarita that I need to remain sane.  I'm making doctor's appointments now just to check in, making sure nothing's wrong, because the people around me are starting to get their first real health problems that you don't really have to worry about as a kid.

A year ago I wrote poetry, but I didn't share it.  I share it now, all of it.  A year ago I wasn't over Kevin, now I think back at the way he used to choke me with tears running down his face,

I am finally, as of right now, a woman.  Life finally chewed me up hard, spit me out and laughed in my defeated little face.  But you know why, I feel stronger now than ever.  The person that I am is so concrete.

Who am I?  That girl who grew up in a small town with a white dad, Puerto Rican mom.  I grew up around drug and alcohol abuse, and I'm okay with that.  I attempted suicide in 2001 and I accept that.  I did a lot of inhalants to escape the world that was caving in on me.  I cried when my dad said he wanted to put a bullet through his brain.  I cried when my mom sat on the edge of my bed and asked me if she should leave my dad.  I loved my sisters and brothers even though my dad told me I shouldn't. I was sexually molested by an older female relative and I've come to terms with that.  I hold no grudges against her and I love her now, because she made mistakes and we all do.  I was weird.  I thought I was a lesbian.  I wrote a lot of poetry.  I loved learning French.  I had good friends, two gay guys and a straight female.  I loved them with all of my heart.  I gave my friends my all.  I had no real relationship in high school, just casually dated.  In college I skiied, I golfed, I fell in love for the first time.  I was the president of my college's democrat club.  I was beaten by my boyfriend when no one was looking.  A horrible murder occurred in the house where I lived.  I had horrible health problems because of my anxiety- in and out of the emergency room.  On medication, off of it, on medication, off of it.  Gained weight, had a personal trainer, did yoga, lost the weight.  Went to Scotland, Canada.  Moved over ten times in 4 years.  Had three jobs at the same time at one point. Taught 8th grade English in an inner city school.  Survived off of food purchased by the foodstamps of a mentally disabled man. Sat quietly in the emergency room with a suicide victim.  Made a man so angry that he punched a brick wall and threatened to kill me and my whole family.  Broke someone's heart.  Dated women, transexuals, men, men dressed in corsets with fishnet stockings, women dressed like men who were somehow more feminine than me.  Went home with swingers that I met at a bar.  Had my first threesome with two older lesbians. Thought I contracted HIV, but I didn't.  Walked through the most dangerous part of the city at 3 in the morning with no weapon, took a break on a stoop in one of the most dangerous housing projects in the city where I wrote a poem about the mosquitoes buzzing in the yellow streetlamp light.  Wore a Superman onesie at a housewarming party.  Dressed up like a naughty school girl for my friend's birthday.  Been to more strip clubs than I can count with more people than I can count.  Gotten high with friends, gotten drunk with friends.  Woke up naked on the bathroom floor, woke up dry heaving in the corner.  Sat in a van in Brooklyn in a cloud of smoke with a stranger who paints penises doing things for a living.  Listened as my friends prevented my roommate from raping a helpless intoxicated girl who was only 17.  Slept on a stranger's floor.  Found the core of my sexuality and finally figured out what I need to satisfy my desires.

And after all of this, the turning point came with one name:  Andrew.

Christopher didn't do it.  He knocked a little crack into my heart but boy oh boy did Andrew just straight up break it in half. I sat in a room and watched someone that I love put a gun to his head and tell me that he didn't love me anymore.  I watched him drink so much that I went to the hospital with him and sat by his side, knowing that all of his health problems were from the 15 beers he had the night before.  And you know what?

I survived all of the ridiculousness above and blossomed into a woman somewhere in 2014.  A woman in a business suit with beautiful wrinkles forming by her aging eyes.  A woman with tight abs under her shirt and a strong brain in her head, a great job in her hands.  A brilliant future ahead of her with nothing but beauty to counteract all of the darkness in her past. The BEST part is that all of that stuff up there?  I accept every single piece of it.  It makes me love myself even harder, knowing the bullshit I've seen, done, been wrapped up in.  I am a strong woman.  A strong independent woman who is deserving of a young man who is just as strong as me.  I deserve that, I know I do.  People say that entitlement is a bad thing.  Yes, entitlement is a bad thing.  But look, I have been through so much to get where I am.. and I can say wholeheartedly that I deserve an amazing person and yes, I'm entitled to one.  Isn't it my turn yet to have something beautiful?

I'll wait.  I'll be patient now.  I'm okay and I am willing to give it more time.  However long he needs, I'll wait.

That aside, I have learned a lot.  I learned that:

1.  Heartbreak happens but it's worth the risk of loving wholeheartedly
2.  I have the power to break the pattern of abusive and co-dependent relationships.
3.  I need to stop thinking that I need to take care of other people.  I need to take care of me.
4.  Sometimes I'M the problem, and I need to own up to my mistakes and change accordingly.
5.  Life isn't always easy, so enjoy it with every piece of your being when it is.
6.  Enjoy every second you have with the people you love, because they can disappear at any time.
7.  Be kind to people. They have it hard too.
8.  Stop trying to be perfect, because something's gotta give.
9.  Perfect relationships don't exist, but healthy relationships do.
10.  I must love my mom and dad with every piece of my being- They gave up everything for me.
11.  I need to do things that remind me of how much I love myself:  I need to take myself out for dinner, hire a personal trainer, do yoga, do my nails, go on walks, buy pretty things, dance, laugh, make new friends.

I'm 26 and this is just the beginning.  I'll add more things to that list every single year.  But this year was, I believe , the biggest turning point I've had in quite awhile.  I'm thankful for it.  I'm thankful for every second of grief that I had, because it made me really feel the smile that I have on my face right this second.  I love who I am.  And I'm lucky to be here.  Life is short...