Gratitude

The cool spring breeze is tangling itself with my living room blinds, gently falling onto my freshly shaven legs.  The birds are tweeting and I’ve seen more sunlight than I’ve seen in years.  And now, finally, I think I have reached the turning point.  I am thankful to wake up each and every day.  The air is enough to keep me breathing.  When I drive on the road to anywhere, I look around and I can think of a million reasons to smile.  I am here, isn’t that enough to be thankful for?  I have survived terrible things but others have survived much worse, and I feel for them.  My heart aches for them.  And I want to be there to help hold them to the sky, so that they can also see the light that I have finally found.  No matter what, these last few days I have only seen the silver lining.  It’s starting to feel like that’s all there is.

I went to the park during the daylight hours and found a spot in the middle of a meadow.  I put down my yoga mat and did a tree pose, hands pointed to the sky.  I have been continuing my tears these days but they’re beautiful tears.  Happy tears.  Ones that have been coming from so far down in my gut that they bust out in little spurts, a smile gracing my newly radiant face.  Mom said it, grammy said it, “You look great.”  That’s because I look happy.

So where did that happiness come from?  Having NOTHING.

You know, in the last past year, I have faced so many demons.  In the last few days, a new one came running after me.  I had to have a biopsy from a doctor who thought I might have cancer and need surgery.  I am okay, but I sort of put my hands up and yelled, "I surrender."  I get it, I'm not in control of anything.  I get it, the universe is going to take me where I need to go and I have to have faith that it's taking me to wherever I'm supposed to be.

And then a few days later I lost my job.  And now I finally have nothing.  But with nothing, you learn that you have EVERYTHING.

I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, a mom and dad that I love, a grandmother who makes me smile so deeply, two sisters and a brother who support me through thick and thin, friends who treated me like gold throughout this terrible experience.. I have EVERYTHING.

When I was told that I was losing my job, I hardly batted an eye and I think it freaked out the office manager.  She said that I could “take a moment” before leaving and I said no.  I walked into my attorney’s office.  He said one nice thing after another to me.  To close things off, I said “Alright, I’m gonna peace out.  It was fun.”  We smiled at each other and I began walking to the door.  A legal assistant said, “Where are you going?”  I said, “The zoo,” smiled, and left the office with her innocent laughter following me out.  When I left the building, I tilted my head upwards and looked to the sky for a second.  I let the sun's rays really soak into my skin.  And I smiled.  I drove away smiling.  This was the best bad news I have ever received.

A fresh slate.  I have nothing, but I have everything.  No one can take away my excellent skill set, my competitive resume, my education, my professional certification, my references.  I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman with a level head.  But honestly, I’m going to do this at a steady and slow pace.  This is the first real “vacation” I have had since the last time I was on unemployment, which was in 2011.  Like dad said, “I hope you find a job soon, but not too soon.”

Now is my time to heal.  I feel like a human being again, not the skeleton that I’ve been dragging around by a dead spirit for a year.

The universe is good to me.  I feel so lucky to have the life that I do. I am thankful every single day.  Thank you, so much, for giving me a chance to start over.  I promise to be kind, generous, loving, and supportive to anyone who needs a helping hand.  I want to be the one to say, "I promise, everything is going to be okay."

I am just so thankful to be alive.  So so thankful.