Having Everything

In the last past year I have been stripped of everything that had made me the human that I have lived as for twenty-seven years.  In April of last year I saw a man that I cared deeply for hold a gun to his head.  After that, I started to see how grim my past was.  I thought of the physical abuse I endured.  I thought of the things I experienced that were much darker than what most people experience.

 Whatever, it is in the past.  That aside, I cannot explain the magic that just happened without explaining the last past year in closer detail.

After he held a gun to his head, it felt like I received one blow after another.  I was diagnosed with three things and now I will have to take medicine for the rest of my life for two of them.  I was cornered in a tiny rowhome in Kensington and was sexually abused by a terrible man.  I had to get a biopsy to find out if the lesions they found inside me were cancerous.  And now, I lost my job.
And you know what, it’s a beautiful thing.  Sometimes you have to have nothing in order to see that you have everything.  I have friends, family.  My soul gets better every single day.  I looked around my apartment after losing my job today and I kept smiling.  I saw a gift that I bought for myself when I traveled to the other side of the country.  I found gifts from family and friends.  I saw silly things that remind me  of who I am- like little messes that I haven’t cleaned up that are perfect messes because I wouldn’t be Nicole without them.

I feel like I have everything right now.  It’s 10:54 p.m. on a Wednesday night and my best friend is coming over.  We are going out for drinks because- why not?  It’s not like I have to be anywhere tomorrow or the day after or the day after that.  My hair is a disaster, just how I like it. I’m wearing my new matte lipstick that I love along with my favorite flannel shirt and cute sneakers (in case we end up on an adventure).  This is Nicole.  This is who I am.  I have myself.  I’ll always have myself.
I applied for unemployment and I hope I get it, but I know that regardless I will be okay because I am Nicole, and Nicole is a strong, independent woman who kicks some serious ass.  Speaking of kicking ass, as I was getting ready tonight for this adventure, as I removed my work shirt my tight abs were glaring at me in the mirror.

I have a lot going for me.  And now that I finally have nothing, I can start over.  I don’t think I want to get back into law, but I might.  I don’t think I want to get back into education, but I might.  I don’t think I’m seeking as high of a salary as I was receiving, because mo money, mo problems. And I don’t think I want a job that puts me in a box.  I am a creative free spirit and I need a job that molds to me, not the other way around.

And for the first time in a long time, I am so fucking content with one of the bad things that happened.  Every other bad thing that happened ripped me to shreds but honestly, this, I believe, is a blessing in disguise.

This week I intend on spending time on my friends and family, working out whenever I get the chance, seeing my therapist for a session, and just doing a nice long tree pose in a neighborhood park while everyone else is slaving away at work.

I am going to start looking for jobs as soon as possible – but after this ridiculous year, I think it’s time to go easy on myself for a bit.  I don’t even know what kind of job I want, so first I should figure out that.