How it feels

Nothing feels so certain anymore.  Not even the wind.. the gentle and sometimes strong ebb and flow of daily structure.

I found hope but then it just dissipated into the summer clouds, raining upon my drained and dry face, sinking into the hopeless wet earth.  I'm hoping that the love sinks deep enough to find a seed to grow for someone else, a smile growing on the face of someone who deserves it more than me.

I must have done something absolutely wretched in my past to deserve this emptiness.  I look around and see beautiful blowing pastures surrounding me.  Friends and family holding tight onto those that they love, when I lie lifeless and alone on my carpet, staring at the white ceiling.. looking for stars.

I often wonder if I'll be this alone forever, an empty slate in an empty quarry, looking up at the people gallivanting on the edges at the top, happiness circling me like hungry vultures... not even trying to tease me with their gently grown love, but unable to detach from what is inherently true.

I try to live vicariously through the ones that I care about.. but sometimes that just isn't enough.  I'm still alone at night, soaking in my insomnia as the droning air conditioner fills my brain with the only nighttime noises it knows.