Britney Spears in 2007

I don't even know what is going on with me.  I chopped off my hair,  I quit my job, I started looking at apartments an hour north of where I currently live... and I kissed a boy in the rain for like two hours.  I'm having a "Britney Spears in 2007" moment.  Don't let me near any umbrellas.

My new job as a paralegal is interesting.  It's very serious.  Everyone is quiet and they all speak law, so I feel like I'm in another country.  I'm picking it up fast, however, due to my experience at the insurance company.  It's very private.  I can't leave papers turned upright on my desk or leave my desk without locking my computer.  I'm quickly adapting to the environment, however.

So I discussed the job, now I'll discuss my apartment situation.  My lease ends in October.  Should I stay or should I go?  If I stay, great.  If I go, I'm moving up to the Lehigh Valley to be around my mom, who hates me, my dad, my grandmother, and some of my best friends in the universe.  I'm starting to think that I'm going to stay, simply because this area makes me very happy.

Now the boy.  Oh god.  Yes, I still identify as a lesbian.  Yes, he knows I like girls.  Yes, I've been spending a large chunk of my free time talking to him.  Yes, we are hanging out on Friday and Sunday.  And yes, I think he's pretty awesome.  I'm just going with the flow.  Whatever.  I don't care anymore.  He's fun to kiss and talk about zombies with.  That and he's completely accepting and respectful of my sexuality. (He's going to Philly Pride with me on Sunday!)

Oh, and Keely and I are really rocky.  She's driving me off the fucking wall, to be honest.  She's way too sensitive.  And usually I'm good at walking on eggshells but recently, with my random "Britney Spears in 2007" moment, I just can't take and I called her a bitch.  And her, being sensitive, took it much harder than a typical female would take it. And I mean, a typical female wouldn't take it that well to begin with.  I'm just sick of her bullshit.  I apologized and all, but I really don't know how I feel about being best friends with someone who is so easily set off.

Kevin's mom is distraught about Kevin.  She's been looking to me for comfort.  That's kind of hard because I'm pretty sure we're all distraught about Kevin.  His baby momma is controlling and crazy.  And she's popping out babykev in August.

My mom and I fixed our broken relationship once again.  Ugh.  And my father and I have been closer these last few days than we've been since I was a little girl and we used to go fishing together.  I like it.  I hope it stays this way.  He's a great dad.  He's really been showing me that he cares.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  I like it when he calls me to ask how I'm doing.  He hasn't done that in years.

ANYTHING ELSE?!  I think I covered it all.  Sheesh.

Shitty people.

Last night I was down in the dumps.  My friends' band was playing in the city so I decided to go by myself.  I sat down at the bar and realized that I knew the bartender, which was great because I got free shots all night.

And then I started talking to a guy.  And he was very intelligent.  And then we kissed in the rain all night.  It was so random.  And I feel horrible.

I feel horrible because I know that I should never rope another guy in after what I did to Kevin.  I'm just a shitty person, really.

The poverty line

Life is rough but I'm in full belief that if you start off on the right foot and keep trying to advance, you will end up somewhere worth being.

I'm 24 years old and I'm practically living paycheck to paycheck because I have student loans and a car loan.  All of the rest of my money goes to my "cost of living."  But I save the tiny tiny bit I can, because that will help me get rid of my loans faster.

But this isn't about my loans.  It's about my career.

I was bitching to my friend about how I'm starting off at the bottom of the barrel.  However, I'm starting off at the bottom of the barrel in a career that I know will bring me great ease later in life.  I quit my current job because there was no potential for growth.  If I would have stayed there, I would have been limiting myself.  I'd probably only be making $35k a year ten years from now. I'm very intelligent and I know that I deserve much more than $35k a year.

I mean, sometimes you gotta be thankful for what you have.. but you also have to set your standards high.  I know what I"m worth.

I also know that I'm going to be successful in life because I'm trying really hard to be successful in life.  Most of my friends sit idle and watch the days go by, just taking life as it comes.  I'm not like that; I'm quite a fighter. I've always been a fighter. I have two different kinds of friends and I find myself in the middle:

Friends like my one friend who works at a grocery store and is content with making $21k a year.
And friends like Kevin and Nick who make at least $125k a year.

I find myself in a place where I can go either way.  I can have no plan to change or I can keep fighting.  I mean, I'll never make $125k a year, but my goal is to be making much more than I'm making right now.  And if that means I have to go out of my comfort zone and change companies, so be it.  If  I need to quit my job again a year from now because the potential for growth isn't good there either, then I will do that.  And if it leads to another salary war, great!  Because salary wars usually end in more money.  The job I quit a week ago was trying so hard to keep me.  I swear they would have bought me a unicorn if I would have asked for one.

But a unicorn doesn't change the fact that I'd only be making $35k a year ten years from now.  Unless they gave me a new unicorn every year and I could sell the unicorn for at least $20k.

Both of my parents grew up below the poverty line. I think that is reason enough to keep plowing through life with this sort of ambition. You know, I've never failed at anything else before, so why would I fail at this?  I always get what I want.  Really.

Life depends on the choices that you make.  And some of them are hard but you gotta set your standards high.  If you choose to quit high school, you're fucking up your whole life.  If you choose to skip college, you're limiting yourself financially.  If you get your degree and you don't make it worthwhile, you might as well have skipped college.  If you find yourself in a relationship where the person works at McDonald's, then you can never complain about your financial situation with that person because you chose that person.

I want to make the right decisions in life.  I want to have a nice future.  I don't want to give up, ever.

I try to avoid hatred, but I'm feeling it right now

I'm going to vent.  Here goes...

I fucking hate my mother with every piece of my soul right this second.  No, really.  I don't care.  Don't give me any of that fucking "she's your mother" nonsense.  Okay *sigh*  I'm going to calm down and be rational. Let me put this in perspective for you:

I'm intelligent.  I have a degree.  I double majored in college.  I can teach 7th-12th grade English.  I've excelled in every job position that I've ever had.  I'm independent.  I live on my own.  I pay my own bills.  I follow each and every one of my dreams and I never ever give up.  I keep advancing in life from year to year.  I have goals (i.e. paying off my student loans in the next 5 years, settling down with someone, continuing my education).  I don't let things like friendships and relationships get in the way of my goals. I don't believe in God but I am a loving, compassionate individual who believes everyone should be given a fair chance in life.  Yes I'm a democrat because of certain social issues.  I don't believe that politicians should only cater to the rich.  Yeah, I'm not straight, but as far as I know that make me any less of a respectable person.

My mom is intelligent but she dropped out of nursing school.  She's excelled in a blue collar job.  She is extraordinarily dependent upon my father.  She has no dreams.  She's pretty idle in life.  She doesn't make goals.  She let men get in the way of bettering herself.  She does believe in God but she hates gays and people who speak Spanish and finds it necessary to own a gun.  She tells me that homeless people deserve to be homeless because it's their fault that they're homeless.  She would rather people die than have a government that provides health care to them.

Okay, and yet I'M the problem.  I'm the horrible person.  I'm (as she used to tell me about gay people) "disgusting."  She's "disappointed" in me.  And I totally made the wrong decision by quitting my job where the most I'd make is 35k.  It's totally not respectable to be working at a law firm in order to find new ways to advance in life.  You know, believing that I might go to law school is absurd.  Who does that?!

My mother is not a good person.  Really, she's not.  You can make excuses for her all you want, but I don't care.  It's official:  My mother is NOT a good person.  And ten years down the line when I'm in a very respectable position in life, I'm NOT going to thank her.  Because all she did was drag me down and criticize me and tell me how horrible I am for everything that makes me who I am.

I am proud of myself.  I'm proud that I graduated with a four year degree in English and Secondary Education.  I'm proud that I took a risk a few days ago and accepted a job offer that provides the potential for growth.  I'm proud that I'm chasing my dreams with a pen and a pad, hoping that one day I'll be in literature books across America.  I'm proud that I found a way to accept the fact that I'm not straight.  I'm proud to be a liberal, because conservatives are on the wrong side of history.

I'm 24 years old and I've surpassed my mother in regards to success, I believe.  Where exactly was my mother when she was 24 years old?  I am proud of myself and I am not going to let her toxic reactions get in the way of my pride.  I need to stop talking to her.  I know that sounds harsh but I really do.  I keep trying to build a relationship with her but honestly, I don't really want a relationship with someone who is so...

horrible.

Always a tornado.

Things are changing rapidly because I am allowing them to.  As I just said, "There are dreamers and there are people who actually pursue opportunities that turn their dreams to reality. I don't want to be a dreamer."

I knew there was no room for growth at my current job so I applied for a position at a law firm.  Now I am a few days away from starting my new job as a paralegal.  Goodbye job, hello possible career.

I was recently asked to write for a book publishing company on the side and I agreed to do so.  Today I resigned from that opportunity.  It was not where I found my bliss.  I want to continue working on my own personal pieces and possibly collaborate with some friends on a LGBT blog.

Now, about my parents. Always a tough topic for me.  My dad and I are building a closer relationship.  He's been very supportive of my choices.  My mother and I aren't doing well because she's not supportive of my choices.  I don't care.  Not her life, and frankly, I am done with her putting me down when I know that I have a lot of reasons to be proud of myself.

I've been feeling a little bit scared here of late.  I'm scared because I don't know if I want to move.  I'm scared because I don't know if I will like my new job.  I'm scared because I'm afraid I won't get the same amount of overtime as my old job.  I'm scared because my mom hates me and I'm afraid she won't be there for me if I fall.  I'm scared because I'm up to my fucking neck in loans.  I'm scared because I really don't have anyone who has my back around here.  I live in a town where I don't really have anyone.  I have myself.  Me, myself, my tiny little apartment, and a best friend who doesn't really ...

I don't even know.  She's iffy.

I kind of feel like I'm being blown around by a tornado and eventually I'll find something to grab onto.  But in the meantime I'm just scared out of my mind.

Whenever life settles down, I have this tendency to stir things back up.  But winners are never idle.  I don't want to get comfortable in a shitty job and a shitty position in life and NOT pursue the writing career that fits me best.  I'm going to continue to stir things up until I'm content with the outcome.  This may take my whole life, but it will be worth every tornado.

You know, I often wonder if I'll ever be content.  Things always feel fine and dandy but then I stir shit up again.  Maybe being blown around wildly with nothing to grab onto is in my nature.

In other news, I've been really relating to "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost here of late.  His writing always helps me understand where I am in life.  Maybe one day my writing will help someone else understand where they are in life.

not giving up.

I was just about to get a shower when I happened across a link that led to a Gaga interview.  I watched the whole thing (it can be found here) and I can't believe the incredible amount of parallels between her and me in regards to her journey.

Gaga discusses how she lived in an apartment alone and cherished her loneliness, starting at 20 years old.  She had three jobs to pay her rent and came home to a quiet apartment.  She focused on the appearance of "artist" as opposed to the action of making art, which led to a cocaine addiction.

At one point it clicked and she stopped focusing on the appearance and worked on the action.  She also removed people who got in the way of her art-making existence.

I feel like this woman was put on earth with the sole purpose of keeping me focused.  I swear to you, every time I stray she always puts me right back in my place.  This interview just put me back in my place.

Okay, so I removed everyone from my life that got in my way.  I removed the alcohol, because blacking out four or five nights a week was not assisting my dream of becoming a writer.  I hid in my apartment now for over a month and spent that month reflecting on the action of writing and determining my next moves.  I've made more headway in the last past four weeks than I've made in the last past five years.

I sit in my apartment, cherish my loneliness, and spend most of my time improving my craft and looking for routes off of the beaten path.  I've focused on self improvement and have made a few advancements at my job in the last past few weeks.  I'm a hard worker.

My friends are upset and mad.  They're upset because they miss me and they're mad because I won't bend for them.  Yes, I go to see them now and then.  Last night I went out with Keely.  But honestly, I don't want a very active social life right now.  I want to focus on my writing, my job, and furthering my education.  Because those are more important to me than blacking out four or five times a week.

I went to two Gaga concerts and at the first one she said something that made everything click in my brain.  I was with Kevin at the time.

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.”

Friends come and go, but real friends stick with you and understand when you put yourself first.  They even cheer you on and let you go on your way, even if it means you don't get to see them for awhile.  Life is too short and I've already fallen behind on my journey.  I don't know what I'm searching for but I'll let you know when I find it.  And I'm not fucking giving up until I find it.

Letters to the judge.

It's strange how things from your past come back to haunt you after you've pretty much blocked them out of your mind.  There is one thing in particular that I think will repeat itself in my mind many times.

In July of 2009 I lived with my boyfriend, his parents, his brother, and his brother's wife. I was in the Lehigh Valley visiting my parents and I received a phone call.  The caller informed me that my boyfriend (Kevin) was in jail and that his brother was dead.

Someone killed his brother.

Absolutely frightened, I tried to get in touch with his mother. She was in a psychiatric hospital, crying and screaming, "Nicole, he's dead, I saw him in the driveway, he was blue!"

Sure enough, Brian was dead.  Kevin's dad had shot and killed him with my dad's gun.

It was such a bizarre tragedy.  I came home to police tape, a disheveled bedroom, a little neighborhood boy praying in the front yard, and a big puddle of blood on the basement floor.

I remember visiting his father in jail once a week and Kevin's mother going far off the deep end.  Once she asked me if I could help her gather some of the blood from the carpet, because she wanted to rub it onto the plants in the garden that Brian grew her.

Kevin, horrified by this, took a knife, cut out the section of the carpet that had the blood stain, and threw it away.  We went out for ice cream to get it off of his mind, at which point he realized that he got his brother's blood all over his pants.

It was the worst funeral that I ever attended in my life.  I remember entering the door to a packed catholic church and hearing loud, loud sobbing from Brian's widowed wife.  My dad's eyebrows dropped and under his breath he whispered, "oh my god."

Brian was a scary man.  He threatened to kill me, my family, and pretty much anyone who got in his way.  I remember the utter rage that would consume his body.  I was absolutely horrified of him all of the time.  The stories that I have involving Brian are stories that you would otherwise only see in a movie.

The whole incident that resulted in Brian's death began with him holding a gun and threatening to kill Kevin. Kevin's dad used another gun to try to scare Brian away from Kevin.  To this day, everyone tells me that they're thankful I wasn't home that weekend.  My dad is thoroughly convinced that I would have been killed that night.  Brian hated me more than anything.

So why am I writing about this?  To get it off of my chest.

I recently found four or five letters that we sent to the judge prior to Dave's sentencing.  Including the letter that I sent.  What a total mind fuck.  This, along with many other things in my bizarre life, will never disappear. Just add it to the list, I suppose.

House plants.

Just sent the following texts to a friend and I think it sums everything up pretty well:

"I've been very... to myself. But I like it. I feel like I'm unintentionally prepping myself artistically. I think I need to go with this whole isolation thing because I feel like it's dragging me somewhere on purpose. And if it's gonna bring me somewhere worthwhile (in regards to my writing)... I don't want to miss the train. I work on my writing every day, as you know, and I can sense that something bigger is on its way." 

 And then I felt guilty. Because in my isolation I am alienating my friends. I didn't want them to think I'm straying away from them because I don't love them, so I posted the following on Facebook to justify my separation:

 "It's scary how much I love to be alone. I was born to write, I guess. I feel like I'm marinating in my loneliness, and once I suck up all of the yummy lonely juice I'll be ready to write a best seller or something. Ha." 

 Best seller.. most likely not. But I just want everyone to know that my separation is not malicious in any way. I just need some time to reflect on my art form and to expand my horizons in regards to my writing career. Sculpting my skill is something that is very important to me and it is something that I can only do without company.

 Unless you count Lucinda. (My house plant).

non-jesus and wheat gluten

I've considered myself an atheist for many years. People always inform me that "agnostic" is a better term for what I am, but honestly I choose atheist because it is more set in stone. I was raised a Christian but learned quickly that first of all, the whole story is a bunch of nonsense, second of all, believers tend to be a very hateful crew, and lastly, I do not want to be associated with them at all. So I've adopted the term atheist in high school.

I bring this up because today is my most hated holiday. Easter. I hate it. Every year I have Jesus nonsense shoved down my throat. At first I tried having nothing to do with it but that didn't work because, as I said, it was being shoved down my throat. So then I decided to have a little secular chocolate bunny pooped-out Easter egg celebration every year. It's going rather well. All bunnies, no Jesus. I'm about to go make secular chocolate Easter eggs.

I love how everyone assumes that people have the same religion as them. My friend Jim wished me a happy holiday weekend and (he knows how I am, so I could do this) I said to him, "It's not my holiday weekend." He smiled at me. The assumptions seem to dissipate the closer you get to the city. Jim is from Doylestown.

Christmas is just much easier to de-Jesusize. All those reindeer and elves. It's just the holiday of giving to me. A time before the new year starts when it's all snowy and pretty outside when you show your loved ones that you care about them. Jesus can suck it.

I just really hate when people force things on me. Really. It's a serious issue I have.

I went to go visit my parents yesterday. Yes, yesterday, not today. It was a mini Easter strike. My dad said "The least you could have done was bring your grandmother some flowers." Ugh. Okay, I'll bring secular Easter flowers next year. The day before Easter. She was really upset that I wasn't there for her "Easter ham" and then teased me for a good half hour about my vegetarianism. My mother hopped in.

I was actually amused. It was kind of funny. I schooled my grandmother on how to be a vegetarian or a vegan. Her mind continues to be boggled by this. She doesn't understand that there is other food out there other than meat... lol!!! I tried explaining wheat gluten to her as well as bean burgers and such. I think the problem is that the media shows vegetarians as people who sit in front of a slab of tofu for dinner every night. I hardly even like tofu. It has to be prepared well.

My grandmother said "I have two pounds of butter in there. It was on sale. You can take some." And then I told her that I use vegan butter and she was so amused. I explained to her how vegans bake, for instance, substituting eggs with bananas and using vegan sugar (which isn't made with crushed up animal bones).

Her mind was just blown. I love that cute little woman! Anyway, happy secular Easter!

The one less traveled by.

Randomly decided to go to Boston with Keely and it was great. It was my first time there. We took a scenic route on the way up, which led us to a bunch of extremely large mansions in Connecticut. It was super fun. Keely is the best road trip person ever.

Upon our arrival in Boston, we went to the home of a cute lesbian couple that we're friends with. We stayed with them. They sort of live in a ghetto-y area. We found razor blades on their steps, their back yard was littered with broken bottles and bottle caps, and it was just all around creepy. But we survived and that's good.

The first night we watched Borat, drank, and the girls got high. Which was kinda mellow but I was totally feeling it. After our long scenic route road trip, we needed to just chill out and relax.

The next day was super fun. We went to the best vegetarian restaurant ever. I was madly in love with the food and couldn't get over it. And then I was amused by the toilets. In Philly there are dirty grimy city toilets. In Boston the toilets even ask you if you are flushing "solids" or "liquids" to save water.

Like I said, they lived in a ghetto-y area, but even the ghetto-y area was nicer than most places in Philly. Despite the razor blades and broken bottles.

After the best vegetarian restaurant ever, we went shopping in Cambridge. Which was super nice. The stores were great. I want to live there. Really. I want to move there right this second. After that, we went back home to watch Twin Peaks and eat the best vegan pizza ever. Seriously, staying with vegans was great. I thanked them for sharing their favorite foods with us.

Then we went to see Wild Flag in Boston which made me want to marry Carrie Brownstein.

The last day of the adventure was spent wandering around Boston with Keely and her dog. Stuffed my face with a burrito and a smoothie (Boston has the best food ever, I swear). I fell madly in love with the city at this point. It felt like home, to be honest. And I thought it was cute that all of the churches had gay pride flags on them. It was a very gay friendly place. I was surrounded by cute gay men everywhere.

If I were to move to the Boston area, I would probably move to Cambridge. It felt like a place that I could call home.

You know, I've been in my apartment for less than a year and I have already been looking at places closer to center city.. and now I'm even considering Cambridge.

I'm young, you know, and I have nothing tying me down. I can do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. I don't have a significant other. I don't even have pets. That's a great place to be in life. A place where you are literally as free as a bird and young enough to roam wherever you want to roam.

I am lucky. My life is fun. When I want to have fun, I have it. When I want to sit in my apartment and avoid humans, I sit in my apartment and avoid humans. When I want to go somewhere, I go. When I want to stay somewhere, I stay.

In the past I've emphasized that I am flighty. I think it's in my nature. I'd die without spontaneity. I absolutely hate making plans. Some preparation is necessary, but I really like to make most decisions as I go along. When people ask me "What's the plan?" ... my first thought is "I want to hit you" and my second thought is "this is stressing me out."

Keely is the same way, you know, and that's why we are perfect friends. The couple we stayed with kept asking us what our plan was.

"I don't know, uh.. we were kinda gonna just go. And like, wander, and see what we found along the way." They looked at us like we were crazy. But we wandered.. and we found plenty of awesome things along the way. I'm definitely going to have to head back up to Boston.

Next stop... Washington, DC. Keely and I are going to be staying with two gay boys this time, Nick and Robert. Exciting! This will hopefully occur sometime within the next two months.