Thanksgiving day freewrite

I feel like I'm lucky in many ways.  I can afford to live on my own, I make my own decisions, I have tons of friends who love me, I'm starting a career (no matter how annoying it is), I live in a country where I'm safe and sound every day.. but being lucky hasn't erased the pain I've been feeling lately.  And I can't really even put it into words.  At least I don't think I can.

Thanksgiving Day Freewrite.  Twenty minutes starting now.

I'm sad.  The pretty sunlight cascading through the window doesn't put a smile on my face anymore.  I've let my two plants die.  The curtains are closed in my bedroom, so when I enter it I feel like I'm entering a funeral home.  Plenty of people offer to spend time with me to cheer me up, but I turn them down.  I know, I just know that nothing they can say can make me genuinely happy.  I don't want to let them down.  I don't want to expose them to my contagious negativity.

So what's wrong in my life?  I don't even think I can tell you.  Yesterday someone who I care about very much told me that I'm the strongest person that she knows.  She said that I "got guts."  This is coming from someone who's husband murdered her son.  I don't know, I told her that I don't feel strong.  I feel weak.

I was strong to get where I am, but I'm coasting where I am pretty weakly.  Something needs to change.  Something is wrong in my life.  Well, many things are wrong in my life.  My mother will never be the mother that I need her to be.  My father will never be the father that I wish he could be. My grandmother has her real family. My sisters gave up on having a relationship with me years ago.  Haven't spoke to my brother in who knows how long.  My uncle tries reaching out to me but frankly...

I don't want to intrude.  They've built bonds and I don't want to intrude any bonds.  I've been the missing cousin for many years and first of all, I wouldn't even know where to begin inviting myself back into their lives.  I don't even want to try.  I'm not even someone that they would like.  I'm nothing like any of them.

It's just me here, by myself.  I found a cure to this big black cloud that's hovering over my body, and the cure is to move.  I need to pack my shit up and move out of this town.  I look online every day for apartments that I can afford but nothing has sparked my interest as of yet.

I need to be strong again.  Strong Nicole fucks shit up to make it perfect.  I've been doing that for years, fucking shit up when things got too easy.  Easy is boring to me.  I don't want to live an easy life.  Sitting here in my dark apartment being unhappy and having no family is easy.  I want to move to a new town and throw some chaos into the equation.  I need to be strong.

So what am I going to do this Thanksgiving?  Hide, really.  I lied to a lot of people to get out of going to their houses for Thanksgiving.  Frankly, I don't want to intrude on anyone's family time.  It's not their fault I have a fucked up family that doesn't really want to see me.  And the family that does want to see me (i.e. my uncle), as I said, I don't want to intrude the bonds.  I've been missing for many years.  It wouldn't feel right.

I'm sitting here drinking coffee out of my pink "I love men in uniform" mug and thinking about how much I hate the world.  I hate everything, really.  I advised my mother yesterday that I'm crossing my fingers for the 21st.  I hope the fucking Mayan calendar is right.  I know it isn't, but as I told my mother, I have to have something to look forward to.  My mom said she'd call me on the 22nd.  I told her not to, that it's going to be an awful day for me if the world didn't end.  She laughed at me and told me I'm twisted.

I'M twisted.  Oh yes, I'm totally twisted.  Because I'M the one who told my daughter "I hope you get AIDS and rot."  Psht, I'm not even going to get into that.  But I will say that my mother saying that to me was the most epic catalyst I've had in a long time.  I went from being very minimally miserable to being fucking.. I don't know, Eeyore on downers in a matter of like ten seconds.  And it fucked shit up.  I was doing okay, but now I'm just always generally down.

I'm talking to my mom again, yes, but I'm just overall miserable.  It doesn't help that my job is creating unrealistic deadlines for me.  I go to work and I'm miserable, I come home and I'm miserable.  I go to sleep and I dream miserable dreams.  I'm miserable right now on a holiday where you're supposed to be thankful for what you have.

I am thankful for what I have.  I guess.  I'm thankful that I'm alive.  I'm thankful that I still have a few small reasons to be alive.