Defining Myself

I've been struggling to define myself lately.  Usually I know exactly who I am and my goal is either to change who I am or accept who I am.  After a long period of unhappiness, I changed.  And what I changed into is just.. confusing.  I'm such an enigma.  In an attempt to try to put some words to who I am, I'm going to do a freewrite.  They usually help me discover something.  Twenty minutes:

Recently I've been desperately trying to find a place for myself.  After a long period of no family and shitty friends, I decided it was time to alter my relationships to make my life better.

Step one:  I disconnected with my grandmother.  She disconnected with me, so it was what I needed to do to be happy.  I couldn't spend another holiday alone because of her.  So what did I do?  Invite my parents to my apartment for Christmas.

Step two:  I stopped dwelling on what my friends used to be and accepted them for what they are now.  In addition, I decided to seek new friends that seem be exactly where I am in life.  I've changed.  I'm going to be 25 years old next month.  I've done the "party till 6am" thing.  I've done the promiscuous sex thing.  I was pretty much drunk for a year straight and woke up naked on hallway floors.  I've experienced all of that and I've calmed down.  I can go to a bar, have a beer and an appetizer and be happy.  I don't need sex and I don't need intoxication.  So I've made new friends who are the same way.  That leads me to another topic... relationships.

I've learned a lot in that area as well.  First of all, sexuality was always a problem for me.  And right now, I'm one hell of an enigma.  What do I know?  I know I love women.  I know I can be with a transboy.  I know I can maybe make it work with a polyamorous bisexual boy.  And I know, most importantly, that none of this really matters at all.  I'm just going day by day.  I'm dating all over the spectrum.  Boy, girl, transboy... whatever.  I'm just going with my feelings.  And I'm managing to stay relatively classy in the process, not going beyond a nice make out session unless I develop true feelings for a person. I've just.. grown up, I guess.  What's my dream relationship?

Biologically, I don't know if it matters.  I know about 90% of me prefers women biologically, but there's still that 10%.  I'd like either a gay girl, bi girl, transboy, or bi boy.  I prefer for the person to be at least semi-polycurious or extremely secure.  Someone to hold me when I'm cold, and I'll do the same for them.  I'll pick them flowers, make them breakfast.  They can make me coffee.  We can snuggle on my futon and watch tv shows.  They are preferably someone relatively vegetarian or vegan, as it makes it easier for me as a cook since I'm mostly vegetarian myself.  Someone with goals, someone ambitious, someone with beautiful eyes and a beautiful soul.  Someone who doesn't need to spend a lot of money to appreciate life.  Someone who can go on walks with me through the woods and lounge around all day in sweatpants.  That's what I want.  But I'm not looking for it; I'm just saying I'll be very lucky and happy if I find them, may it be a male or a female.  I'm very happy and secure with where I am in life, so I'm in no hurry.  It can wait.

I've established a pretty good life here on my own.  I have a great job, a nice car, a cute apartment in a nice area.  I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for.  My relationship with my family isn't ideal but I'm happy with what I have.  I love my crazy parents, my crazy uncle, my awesome sisters.  I'm an atheist so I can't say that I'm "blessed," but I definitely lucked out in life.  The universe has been good to me.  I was born at the right place at the right time and the right things have happened to lead me right to where I am right now.  I'm enjoying this time because I'm a social girl, I'm generally pretty, I'm smart, and honestly.. I'm a catch.  Being single is fun for me.  Part of me hopes I'll be single for another year or two.  Only time will tell.  I know that I'm only giving my heart away to someone who deserves it.  I'm going to be extremely picky this time around, because I can be.