Big Rich

Sitting on my futon with a navy blue towel wrapped around my body.  My hair is up in a towel but water is dripping down my chest from my wet bangs.  I hear the fan from my bedroom, the cars at the market, and ... silence.  Yes, if you separate the fan and the car noises from your mind, it sounds like silence, and I'm capable of doing that.

I don't want it to sound like nothing though, so I'm focusing on the fan.

There's a specific reason why I don't want it to sound like nothing.

What the fuck happened to my life in the last past few weeks?

I lost a friend that I really cared about.  Someone that I was hoping to build a meaningful.. whatever with.  He changed significantly in a matter of days.  It was incredibly bizarre.  I feel like it's not the end, but he's unlike anyone else I've ever met... so it might be.

He reminds me so much of Ricky.  Ricky threw me for a fucking loop.  That girl, to this day, makes my head spin.  And I think that's why I love her with all of my heart.  I love being tossed into panic mode and pulling myself out of it, safely.  That's what Ricky does.  That's what he did.  To my heart, at least.  I didn't want him to stop tossing me.  But he did.

Then there's my siblings' dad.

I love my brother and sisters more than they know.  Richie, I love his annoying arrogance and genuine curiosity.  I love his determination and the ease at which he finds himself in fantastically unwrite-able situations.  His existence is unique and he's always honest.  I love Marie for her empathy, her intelligence, her kindness.  Her ability to go out of her way for anyone no matter what without thinking twice.  She's a genuinely a good person.  Probably the most caring person that I've ever met in my 25 years.  My sister Renee.. I love her laugh and her beautiful smile.  Her attitude.  Her desire to create.  I love how she goes out of her way to pull me into the family, despite my repeated "no"s.

And I loved their dad.  He died this week.  He was caring, sweet, he told me the things that he loved about me.  He called me "sweetheart" but it sounded like "sweet-hot" with his nyc accent.  He always said "you're just like your mother"-this and "you're just like your mother"-that.  You have your mother's eyes.  Your mom doesn't take bullshit from anyone.  Smiley.  Hey giggles, you're beautiful.

I'm devastated.  But I'm not going to the funeral.

I love my real dad with every piece of my heart.  So bad that it hurts.  If something happened to him, I'd want Renee, Marie, and Richie there.  And I fucking bet you they'd be there.  Maybe not Richie.  But definitely Marie and Renee.

I just don't handle these things well.  I never have.  I hide.  And I want to hide this weekend.  I'm sad, I feel bad, I wish I could be supportive.. but I just can't do it.  I'm so sorry and I wish I could with all of my heart.  I do funerals all of the time.. but it's usually people that I don't care about.

The last time I went to one that was for someone I cared about.. I sobbed horribly.  It was the worst experience of my life.  I could not stop.

I'm so bad at these things.  I wish I wasn't.  I loved Big Rich.  I would have loved to say goodbye.  But do I have to say goodbye like that?  Do I want to sob in a room with everyone staring at me?

No.  I'm so sorry.  I feel like a horrible person.