Mom and dad

I feel like a girl without a heart.  I feel like I dropped it somewhere a few years back when I was on a lonely adventure somewhere.  And when it fell out, I don't think the wound healed up either.  To this day, I'm in so much pain.  You know that phantom pain they say you feel when you lose a limb?  Well I have that.  I can still feel my heart beating, and that makes it even more painful.

Each and every day I wake up and the blinds are closed.  The room is dark.  I get my coffee in the dark, I eat my bagel in the dark, I head back up to my bedroom and keep my head under the covers (where it's dark).  I'm losing weight but I'm not tightening up, because I'm simply losing weight from lack of appetite.  I don't even feel the need to feed myself anymore.

I want to be fed with love, admiration, happiness.  I've had all of these before.  I've sat in the warm sand and looked up into someone's eyes and felt their warm hand on my bare bikini back.  I didn't know what I had.  I didn't realize that this doesn't just happen to anyone.  I was lucky.  And what did I do?  I tossed it all away.

Did the universe only have one person like that for me?  Was that it?  One shot and I blew it?

I hope not, because the days and nights are so cold now that I don't even want to be alive anymore.  I want to speed up the cycle and put myself in the grave where I can become apart of the earth.  That would make me feel useful.

What do I have to even live for anymore?  Mom and dad.  That's basically it.