Presentations at Work

Today I sat at the laundromat with piles of ripped up and wrinkly papers filled with tons of poetry surrounding me and decided which ones to send to my mother and which ones I still need to work on. Everyone who walked in looked at me like I was a crazy lady.

Anyway.

Last night I was stupid and went to a sleepover at a coworkers' house. Two bicurious girls, a lesbian, and alcohol. Ha! Yeah. Um, I was frightened. I didn't want to do anything I would regret. I was good until about 3am. I mean, our conversations were pretty risky prior to that but it definitely got kicked up quite a few notches after 3. At one point one of the girls told me that she saw me checking out a supervisor's ass at work through an entire presentation.

I admitted it.

Next thing you know, I'm taking shots, I'm seeing boobs, they're putting on a show for me (bending over and whatnot), I'm on the floor showing them how to have lesbian sex, and one of them is trying to convince me to kiss the other and trying to get it on tape so she can "masturbate to it later." It was just.. ridiculous. I don't even know what time we went to bed. But I know that I'm so glad that I didn't have my phone because while I was in the spare room trying to sleep.. one of them texted me to ask if I was still awake. I asked why she asked me that the next day.. and she gave me a pretty suggestive smile.

But yeah, totally left my underwear at the house. That'll be ridiculous on Monday, "NICOLE! Here are your underwear. You left them on my floor."

*shakes head* These girls are killing me.

That's all, really.

More often than not, my life has been fairly complicated even though it looks rather simple on the surface. I mean, it IS simple. I go to work. I write poetry when no one's looking. I come home. I make dinner. I chill with friends. I drink beer. I sleep. Repeat.

But it's complicated. I both hate and love my parents. I don't know what the fuck I want out of life sometimes.. other than to go to bed and never wake up. The one girl that I want is the one girl that I also don't want because it would be so perfect and I'd have to give up my independence.

I just want to crawl into a hole and die some days. Like today. But don't get me wrong.

I love my life. I love my apartment. I love my friends. I love my .. fucked up family. I love music, ice cream, big fluffy pillows and cuddling with soft pretty ladies.

I just .. I don't even know. Where the fuck was I going with this? I don't even know any more. I just want to eat ice cream and watch a sappy romance that will make me bawl my eyes out. And then have really good sex. That's all.

Bumps on my head

I have quite a few favorite bars in Philly that I've been going to for quite awhile. The best part about my new apartment is that it is significantly closer to all of these bars. The furthest bar on this list of favorite bars is still less than 15 miles away from me, which is awesome.

One of them is 8 miles away, and it also happens to be about 5 minutes walking distance from Keely's apartment. Do you know how bad that is?! I'm pretty much doomed. This girl will always be in my life and it's not that I mind, because I love her to pieces, but she is pretty much a danger magnet. When Keely and I are together, we do bad things. When Keely and Keith and I are together, we do significantly worse things.

But I can't break away. Because I really do love them both. All three of us have a connection like you wouldn't believe. We had quite possibly the longest bear hug together ever at the end of last night. It was pretty gay.

Where do I begin?

Holy shit. I must have blacked out because honestly I stared at that "Where do I begin?" sentence for a good 5 minutes now and still don't know. Here goes nothing...

I remember unclogging an overflowing toilet with Keely, which was amusing. I remember walking down to an Irish pub and ... honestly I don't remember the walk. I just remember that we got there at some point. I was already drunk before we left her apartment. I remember dancing with strangers and all of the people that we came with. I remember having heart-to-heart conversations with a lot of different men that Keely brought along. I remember while dancing with Keith, him yelling "I hooked up with Keely!" and me yelling "me too!" I remember the walk home and trying to crash some party but some pretentious hipster kid with prescription thick-rimmed glasses was guarding the door. I remember sharing a vegan cheesesteak with Keely and some other andro girl. I remember Keith stealing a light bulb from somewhere and Keely breaking it on the sidewalk. I remember Keith climbing up a wall into an apartment complex, which was the easy part. Getting down was not easy. I remember sitting in Keely's living room with Keith, Keith's brother, and some professor while Keely and some gross andro girl were having really loud sex in the room behind us. I remember playing some board game based off of racist stereotypes. And I remember on the way home, thinking how much Keith and Keely give me that BFF warm fuzzy feeling.

And I remember not being able to fall asleep until 5am.

Wow. For drinking so much, I'm quite impressed with my ability to muster up that timeline. Anyway, next weekend will be the first weekend I haven't spent in Philly since I've moved here. I'm going to a sleepover at some girl's house. There will be lots of vodka and food. I'm concerned. And I just discovered that I have a bump on my head and it hurts.

The Good Daughter

I think about death a lot. I really do. And I always tell people I'm not afraid of death. I mean, I'm not. I could die tomorrow and be content with knowing that today. What exactly do I have to live for anyway?

Nothing.

But on the same token, I am absolutely horrified of death. I am afraid, behind words, of losing the people that I care deeply about. With most of my friends, I'd get by. But for some of my friends, like Kevin.. not so much. I'm afraid of Kevin dying. I've always had this horrible gut feeling in my heart that he will die young. I had the same feeling for his brother and his brother was killed young. If Kevin were to die, I'd be heartbroken. I'm also afraid of my grandmother dying... she will never know the extent to which I love her and appreciate her.

And most importantly, I am incredibly scared to death of losing my parents.

It, as with anyone, can happen at any time. But my mother had a horrible head injury and I see changes in her every time I see her. And my dad... I fear he'll have a heart attack with his high blood pressure and everything.

There's a very specific reason as to why I'm afraid of them dying.

I am not a good daughter.

I struggle with this often... finding a balance between showing them my disapproval and being a good daughter. I tell my coworkers how much I hate my mother. I've made it a habit to erase my dad's messages without listening to them because he just screams at me in all of them. I don't visit them because they hate who I am and I hate who they are.

But through all of this hatred... there is unconditional love. They may hate who I am and vice versa... but when it comes down to it, no one in this world loves me as much as my parents love me. They may bitch and whine and complain and yell and ignore me... but when it comes down to it, they have my back when I need it and they make incredibly large sacrifices for me to this day.

I'm thoroughly convinced, sometimes, that I'm really all they have in life anymore.

That hurts me. So much. It's like someone's rubbing salt in a deep wound. My heart feels like it's falling when I think of it.

I'm in the process of tweaking some things. Changing around how I handle things so that if something were to happen to my parents, I wouldn't have regrets. Right now, I'd have regrets.

So, if I luck out and die first (because there's no reason for me to be here anyway) then GREAT. But, in the event that my parents are taken away from me, I need to live a life right now that won't have regrets later.

I don't need to like my parents. I don't need to accept them and vice versa... But I need to be a good daughter. Because they don't like me but they are good parents. THEY wouldn't have regrets.

I need to call my parents even though it's painful. I need to visit them now and then even though it depresses me. I need to buy them gifts on holidays so that they know that they're in my heart. I need to tell them I love and appreciate them even though they make me want to jump off of a cliff most of the time.

I need to live my life the way that I want to live it, without any exceptions. I'm not living my life to make my parents happy. But I still need to be a good daughter. They do so much to be good parents.

lazypost. toolazyevenforspacesinthetitle.

I'm just way too exhausted to put this in detail. Firstly, I got my own apartment. I love it. I can't afford chairs. I have one and me and my friends take turns sitting in it.

Secondly, today my dad came to visit and IT WAS SO FUNNY...

Dad: "Oh look, do you think you have enough liquor on top of your fridge Nicole?"

Then he opened up the fridge. "Oh, look, filled with beer."

Then he opened up the freezer. "Oh and look, even more liquor."

I swear on my life I'm not an alcoholic. My friends just buy me tons of alcohol! Out of my entire collection, I only bought maybe one or two.

Thirdly, I went to the most amazing Halloween party ever last night in West Philly. I made tons of new friends. Drank a lot of beer. Ended up at some random other house where there was an even bigger party with a DJ and lots of dancing lesbians.

I stumbled into my apartment covered in beer and ketchup. IT WAS GREAT. My ears are still ringing. I'M TIRED AND COLD. I'll fix this post later maybe.

in the autumn shade

I mean, I'm happy. I'm comfortable. I love my life. It's exactly what I want it to be and no one can stop me from doing what I love. But things are just strange. I'm probably going to ramble now so brace yourself.

Me and one of my roommates were told to get out of our current living arrangements in 90 days. One left already. I'm still here. I'm looking for apartments. I'm excited for what life has in store for me.

However, the whole "get out in 90 days" thing was revoked. So now I can stay here. And it costs less than getting my own place. But I think my sanity would prefer that I leave.

But also, my sanity would prefer that I stay.

This is why. My life is very simple right now to begin with. I go to work. I come home. I eat. I listen to music and drink beer. I write poetry. And then I go to bed. Right now I'm back into my anti-social .. ditch? I guess you could call it a ditch.

I pretty much hate everyone and everything. And the thing that makes me happiest is just staying in my room or being alone. Sometimes Keith will come over and we just sit around and hate everything together.

I feel like if I get my own apartment, I'll be even more anti-social than I am already. Which, I guess is okay because as I said, I love my life and I'm happy being anti-social.

But this isn't normal. And.. fuck.. you all know that I'm definitely not normal. But I don't want to be that abnormal. Even though I know I'd love it. The thought of having my own place and piling myself under my comforter on the floor with a candle or two lit, some music playing softly, and .. that's it really.. just fills me with peace.

I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to interact with people too often (now and then a bar trip is nice), and I don't really want to do anything. I just want to be. If that makes sense. I just want to lay on the floor wearing ten pounds of cozy comfy clothes, play Kara Jayne on repeat, paint my nails, and stare out a window. That's it really.

I wouldn't have any regrets you know, if I died tomorrow. I don't feel like this is wasting my life. I feel like it's me living it to the fullest. I'm just being myself. And myself just doesn't like being around humans that much right now.

Miss Gaga.

Life has been very strange. Very very strange. Started going out drinking with my coworkers on a regular basis. Actually, went out with the assistant manager last week which was a very confusing feeling. I invited one of my coworkers over and she hung out with me and Keith. We had some drinks and sat around the hookah talking about my crazy roommates.

Oh, the roommate situation.

I've been very close to Alex because Shannon and Kevin are being very weird. They don't talk to either of us. They don't even say anything when you say hi to them. They don't leave their bedroom. They're just so depressed. It's kind of sucky.

But I got them to come out of their shells last night. They talked for a whole two hours.

Because I was Gaga.

I got bored so I put together a full Gaga costume. I came downstairs and I think they couldn't resist talking to Gaga. So it kind of brought everyone together. Then Keith and I went to a few surrounding towns and I made my appearance as Gaga. People were doing double takes and I even got waves from a few cars.

It was so much fun. After that we went to the sloppiest most disgusting club ever to go dancing and it was sucky.

Next week I'm making another appearance as Gaga. It will be soooo much fun.

I'm such an exhibitionist. It's not even funny.

The little shit.

It's Saturday but I now work 4 hours of overtime every Saturday and I need to get on that, so this will be fast and a cluster fuck of improper grammar and spelling and all of that nonsense.

Last night I was intoxicated. I woke up this morning in my underwear on my bed with my room completely fucking trashed. Why couldn't I ruin a different bedroom while intoxicated?!

But yeah, I went outside this morning and after I passed out.. a fucking shit ton must've happened because there were a bazillion empty bottles and packing peanuts all over the backyard.

I was very pissed last night. My roommate's girlfriend is being annoying. She's pissed at me because I left her dog out to pee and played with it. SHE CAN FUCKING SHOVE IT. Next time I will let the dog pee all over it's cage. So I spent the entire night making her extremely uncomfortable, referring to her little fucking guinea pig of a dog as "the little shit."

I was so mad. And honestly, all of my friends are on my side with this one. I was kind of searching for a fight with her, because I knew she wouldn't win.

I remember drunkenly turning to my friend and going "I'm very detached, unemotional and creative.. therefore you don't want to fucking piss me off. I will bite off your finger, digest it, puke it up, and then feed it to you." She had a look of horror.

But yeah, on Tuesday I got intoxicated and I can't really remember anything other than walking to the pizza place and falling asleep with my money. In the process, I LOST $40. So on Wednesday night we decided to retrace my footsteps to find my money. So we got drunk and repeated Tuesday night.

Still haven't found it. Damnit.

end of story.

I always write about things that happen but I never just write about what's floating through my mind.

Today relationship problems are floating through my mind.

Gosh, I have a close friend. I definitely don't want to date her. Not even close. But I like to have her. I like when we cuddle, when we kiss. I like falling asleep on her couch and waking up at 4 in the morning to make it to work in time.

She's a whore because she was disillusioned and had the worst breakup ever. I know this will change with time. And I don't even know why I'm saying this because I really don't want to be with her regardless.

But I don't want to be kissing/cuddling a girl who's kissing/cuddling a lot of other girls, just on principle. It'd be different if it was one other girl or something, which it was at first, but it's not. And I'm not going to lie, we used to be friends with benefits other than kissing/cuddling. But I just can't have sex with a girl who is out having sex with a million other girls because A.) I care about my health and B.) Principle again.

And then when I think about this, it makes me wonder if I do want a relationship with someone (not her). But then I get overwhelmed because I'm afraid I won't be able to find a girl like her. I mean, she is the exactly what I'd want minus all of the girl-ish drama and being forced to watch stupid TV series and her being late to everything because she was "getting ready."

Life can be complicated. I love life but I love to hide from the complications. Which is why I'm out on my back porch right now trying to avoid the real world.

Another issue floating through my mind.. boys.

My best friend is a boy and I love him to pieces. I love sticking my finger into his dimples. I love tickling him when he's upset which ends in him smiling. And I like hanging out with him for hours on end.

But I feel like I'm hurting him. Unintentionally. I know myself. I know myself well enough to know that I have absolutely no interest in men right now. I can tell you which guy is a hottie, but I don't want to be with any of those hotties. I'm not sexually attracted to men at all. Maybe 20 years from now Nicole will randomly change, but I have not even the slightest interest in even touching a man right now (other than sticking my finger in his dimple and tickling him when he's down).

Actually I know I'm hurting him. Because while I think it's fun to stick my finger in his dimple and tickle him when he's down, I know he wishes I was straight. Or at least bisexual. And he's lost. And he's told me when he was drunk that I fill a void for him.

And I just want him to find a girlfriend SO BAD. A girlfriend that is cool with him hanging out with his lesbian best friend. Because I don't want to fill his void because I know that it's damaging him. I want someone else to fill his void and I want to be on the sidelines checking out girls on the sidewalk with him.

I guess what I'm saying here is..

That in a perfect world, Keely wouldn't be a whore and Keith wouldn't be single. Keely would be mine and Keith would have a girlfriend who's cool with lesbians.

*sigh* End of story. Fuck.

Blub-blub

Last night was a good night for me. Despite everything.

One of my best friends was depressed and not really in the mood to spend time with me, another best friend was in another state getting wasted on the beach, and another best friend is no longer a friend of mine because I decided that this "friend" was bad for me. Since I could recognize that, I decided I should do something about it.

So I had nothing to do.

So I went to the frog pond. Then I drove up to New Hope and wandered the dark streets writing poetry. It was nice. Haven't done that in a while.

New Hope is a strange town and although it was midnight, some stores were still open. I wandered into a store in a back alley and was surprised to find that it specialized in pictures of dead people.

If that isn't creepy, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I'm hoping *crosses fingers* to make my way over to Manayunk and Germantown tonight to write some more poetry. Might as well use this loneliness for the creativity it can provide.