The little shit.

It's Saturday but I now work 4 hours of overtime every Saturday and I need to get on that, so this will be fast and a cluster fuck of improper grammar and spelling and all of that nonsense.

Last night I was intoxicated. I woke up this morning in my underwear on my bed with my room completely fucking trashed. Why couldn't I ruin a different bedroom while intoxicated?!

But yeah, I went outside this morning and after I passed out.. a fucking shit ton must've happened because there were a bazillion empty bottles and packing peanuts all over the backyard.

I was very pissed last night. My roommate's girlfriend is being annoying. She's pissed at me because I left her dog out to pee and played with it. SHE CAN FUCKING SHOVE IT. Next time I will let the dog pee all over it's cage. So I spent the entire night making her extremely uncomfortable, referring to her little fucking guinea pig of a dog as "the little shit."

I was so mad. And honestly, all of my friends are on my side with this one. I was kind of searching for a fight with her, because I knew she wouldn't win.

I remember drunkenly turning to my friend and going "I'm very detached, unemotional and creative.. therefore you don't want to fucking piss me off. I will bite off your finger, digest it, puke it up, and then feed it to you." She had a look of horror.

But yeah, on Tuesday I got intoxicated and I can't really remember anything other than walking to the pizza place and falling asleep with my money. In the process, I LOST $40. So on Wednesday night we decided to retrace my footsteps to find my money. So we got drunk and repeated Tuesday night.

Still haven't found it. Damnit.

end of story.

I always write about things that happen but I never just write about what's floating through my mind.

Today relationship problems are floating through my mind.

Gosh, I have a close friend. I definitely don't want to date her. Not even close. But I like to have her. I like when we cuddle, when we kiss. I like falling asleep on her couch and waking up at 4 in the morning to make it to work in time.

She's a whore because she was disillusioned and had the worst breakup ever. I know this will change with time. And I don't even know why I'm saying this because I really don't want to be with her regardless.

But I don't want to be kissing/cuddling a girl who's kissing/cuddling a lot of other girls, just on principle. It'd be different if it was one other girl or something, which it was at first, but it's not. And I'm not going to lie, we used to be friends with benefits other than kissing/cuddling. But I just can't have sex with a girl who is out having sex with a million other girls because A.) I care about my health and B.) Principle again.

And then when I think about this, it makes me wonder if I do want a relationship with someone (not her). But then I get overwhelmed because I'm afraid I won't be able to find a girl like her. I mean, she is the exactly what I'd want minus all of the girl-ish drama and being forced to watch stupid TV series and her being late to everything because she was "getting ready."

Life can be complicated. I love life but I love to hide from the complications. Which is why I'm out on my back porch right now trying to avoid the real world.

Another issue floating through my mind.. boys.

My best friend is a boy and I love him to pieces. I love sticking my finger into his dimples. I love tickling him when he's upset which ends in him smiling. And I like hanging out with him for hours on end.

But I feel like I'm hurting him. Unintentionally. I know myself. I know myself well enough to know that I have absolutely no interest in men right now. I can tell you which guy is a hottie, but I don't want to be with any of those hotties. I'm not sexually attracted to men at all. Maybe 20 years from now Nicole will randomly change, but I have not even the slightest interest in even touching a man right now (other than sticking my finger in his dimple and tickling him when he's down).

Actually I know I'm hurting him. Because while I think it's fun to stick my finger in his dimple and tickle him when he's down, I know he wishes I was straight. Or at least bisexual. And he's lost. And he's told me when he was drunk that I fill a void for him.

And I just want him to find a girlfriend SO BAD. A girlfriend that is cool with him hanging out with his lesbian best friend. Because I don't want to fill his void because I know that it's damaging him. I want someone else to fill his void and I want to be on the sidelines checking out girls on the sidewalk with him.

I guess what I'm saying here is..

That in a perfect world, Keely wouldn't be a whore and Keith wouldn't be single. Keely would be mine and Keith would have a girlfriend who's cool with lesbians.

*sigh* End of story. Fuck.

Blub-blub

Last night was a good night for me. Despite everything.

One of my best friends was depressed and not really in the mood to spend time with me, another best friend was in another state getting wasted on the beach, and another best friend is no longer a friend of mine because I decided that this "friend" was bad for me. Since I could recognize that, I decided I should do something about it.

So I had nothing to do.

So I went to the frog pond. Then I drove up to New Hope and wandered the dark streets writing poetry. It was nice. Haven't done that in a while.

New Hope is a strange town and although it was midnight, some stores were still open. I wandered into a store in a back alley and was surprised to find that it specialized in pictures of dead people.

If that isn't creepy, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I'm hoping *crosses fingers* to make my way over to Manayunk and Germantown tonight to write some more poetry. Might as well use this loneliness for the creativity it can provide.

Miss Irene

So first there was hail. Then there was an earthquake. And now we had a fucking hurricane? What the heck is going on?

Anyway, last night was SO much fun. I hung out with Kevin, Shannon, Keith (and somewhat Alex) in the house all night. We had to put everything that was outside away to prepare for the hurricane. Then all night we hung paintings, made dinner, watched the news together. We also went on a grocery store run (more like a grocery store float with the roads being flooded) and got tons of candy and snacks to share.

It flooded bad. We walked down the street and the water was up to my knees. We were playing in it and then BAM! I felt ass-first into the water. I was soaking wet. Cars were getting stuck in it. And there were crazy sirens all over the place and emergency vehicles towing boats. Philadelphia was fucking drenched, let me tell you.

What a fun night. I'm so lucky to have such amazing people in my life.

Irish Pubs and Stranded Friends

I hosted a random happy hour in Manayunk. Invited a lot of people and a lot of people showed up. Everyone was late though. One girl's car broke down, someone had emergency hurricane rescue training, and some people just drove around for 30 minutes unable to find parking.

It was fucking awesome. I've been friends with a band for about.. 3 years now? and they all came to chill with me. We all had so much fun and we all got wasted for only $12.

Keely and Keith were being so fucking dramatic so I hardly hung out with them. I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to have fun and I wasn't going to let anyone ruin my night. As I told Keith the next day, "Why the fuck would I want to spend time with people who were ruining my night when I could spend time with people who were making it fucking awesome?"

We moved along Main Street from bar to bar to ice cream shop to pizza place. And at one point, it was me and the band sitting outside of a bar completely wasted and just throwing out random sentences. We were also talking to strangers that were passing. I was checking out booties with Jeremiah. Jeremiah was asking random strangers to rub Buddy's head, and since it's Manayunk, of course they did it. Everyone is fucking wasted in Manayunk at 2am.

Keith was with me up until then because I drove him to Manayunk and then he randomly got up and disappeared for two hours. I didn't really care. It was his decision.

Then I got my car and moved it closer to where we were. (By this time I was completely sober because I was eating a lot and only drinking water, no worries. I would never ever get into a vehicle while intoxicated. I did that twice in my life and I hated myself forever. I will never allow that to happen ever again. It is the worst feeling ever.)

So I parked and WTF?! There is Keith on the sidewalk staring into space, completed wasted. He continued with me down the street and then after saying goodbye to the band, I told Keith it was time to leave. He was being a douchebag so I left him.

.. Yes, I left him. In Manayunk. While intoxicated.

Yeah it sounded like a good idea at the time. And then as I was driving home, my phone died so I didn't get any of his texts. The next morning I found out that he had to wait for his ex-girlfriend to pick him up.

By mid-afternoon, all was good in the hood. He pulled into the driveway to chill with Kevin. I opened my window, stuck my head out, yelled "What's good?"

"Nothing. What's good with you?"

"Nothing. I'm sorry. My phone died. If I saw your texts I would have turned around."

So after having a 10 minute talk from my second floor window with Keith, we realized that it was all a big misunderstanding and that if anything, it was slightly amusing. Then we went to DQ together to get Blizzards in preparation for the hurricane.

Actually only Keith got one and then he didn't finish it and let me have the rest.

That's what friends are for.

The mountains

There's this recurring dream that I've had since college began. It takes place in a place with rolling green mountains and .. just, a feeling I can't put words to. It makes me feel at peace when I wake up in the morning.

In this place in the mountains, there's a very confusing route you have to take to get there and I'm the only one who can ever really find it, so I bring my friends.

I brought my friends Nikki and Keith and we tasted different kinds of chocolate together in a beautiful mansion in a valley between the beautiful flowing mountains.

Even when something bad happens in the dream, it still feels great. So bizarre.

Bitches Be Crazy

Okay. What just happened?!

I have these four friends that are in a band. I went to Fishtown to watch them perform. I jumped around like a little maniac with them. It was fun. They jumped off stage and partied with me. I made some new friends, including some guy named Ricky who I'm pretty sure was really high.  But I also had two other friends with me.

2am comes along. I'm completely sober. I'm ready to go. I go outside by myself because my two friends are really drunk and not ready to go. I start walking down the street alone, hoping it will convince them to leave.

It didn't convince them.  I walked back and apparently I missed a lot in the 5 minutes I was gone.

One of my friends was hugging some gross dirty homeless looking bearded man.

So I asked a spectator what happened while I was gone.

"Oh. He was passed out on the sidewalk. She asked if he was alright and out of nowhere he got up and they started talking about zombies."

I am not a babysitter. So I asked my friend twice: "Are you coming?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Okay bye!"

We left. And now it's 9am and she's in the hospital because she got on a motorcycle with the bearded man and a car hit them. She broke her leg. Is it really sad that I have absolutely no pity for her?

***UPDATE: So I got the full story. She hopped on the bearded man's motorcycle. He was gonna drive her to her car. A taxi hit them and then took off. Some weird people picked my friend up off of the ground and her and the bearded man walked to her car. They drove to the ER. She was so out of it that she didn't realize that she hurt her leg. They gave her a wheelchair so she sat the bearded man down in it and started pushing him.. meanwhile the wheelchair was meant for her.

As it turns out, her leg was swollen twice it's normal size and blue. They returned to the place of the accident the next day and some homeless lady said that some cocaine addict she sees at a clinic stole the bike.

I swear, I'm a magnet for these kind of people.

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me

In retrospect, Monday was just one gigantic bad idea. Keely came over with a case of beer and Keith came over with his hookah.

Next thing I know, I got barbeque sauce on my white shirt, it's pouring down rain, and I decided to remove my shirt and dance in the rain in my bra.

Not gonna lie, it was fun. My roommates were amused.

Kevin came home and I was jumping around on the driveway. Him and Shannon got out of the car and he laughs and goes, "Keely, the circus called, they want their crazy back." It made me giggle.

He goes, "Why did you take off your shirt?" "There was a barbeque stain on it." "Oh, that's logical.

I proceeded to dance around on the back porch and Keely looks at me and says, "Nicole, you ARE a free spirit."

I've been called that a lot in my life. I actually find that to be a compliment.

Anyway, last night was more relaxing. Went to the frog pond to listen to the froggies under the night sky and swooned over Jo Calderone in You and I.

Wallet stealing baby dyke bitch

Keely got an apartment in Manayunk. Which is both a horrible and great idea for her at the same time. It’s horrible because she’s an alcoholic, and it’s great because she’s an alcoholic.

Keith and I went with her when she signed her lease. It was fucking like, mid-afternoon and there was a gigantic party down the street with strangers yelling “hi” at me. I mean, my roommate is a bartender in this area, but I don’t go here much outside of that. It’s not my kind of place. Lots of drunken idiots, lots of car accidents in the tight roads, and .. that’s really it. Drunken idiots and car accidents.

After a long talk with my sister, I made a decision. I told her that I, at one point, was drinking enough to black out about 4 or 5 times a week. And that I’ve slowed down to like.. 1 or 2 times a week? And she insisted that I try cutting out alcohol for a bit. Especially since it was affecting my job. I mean, the morning before I had the talk with her I was so hungover that I needed to drive to work with sunglasses on and one eye closed because the sky was too bright. And I was thirty minutes late.

So the day after I decide on sobriety, I go to one of the biggest party towns I know with two of the biggest drinkers I know. Great.

But you’d be proud. I didn’t drink. Well, except for a few sips of a few new beers. But that was it. So I went a whole day sober.

And then last night I went out drinking with the boys and got so incredibly drunk that I smacked my head on the bar and got a bump on my forehead.

I mean.. you win some, you lose some.

I don't regret it. It was amusing. My roommate nearly got into a fight at the bar and the guy was giving him a dirty look and my roommate says to us, loudly, "I got Kevin who knows two forms of karate, Sean who knows one, Keith who's a B.A., and Nicole who might lick him to death."

After that, the man bought him a drink. What a silly night.

Oh, and my title is "wallet stealing baby dyke bitch" because Keith called me that in his hangover voice this morning because he couldn't find his wallet and it made me laugh.

Hot showers

I was desperate. I drove to the Valley to spend time with my parents.  It was going well.  I felt a strange connection with my father.  We went out for lunch, went out shopping.

And then my mother said awful things to me.  And I told her that she wasn't my mother anymore. 

My dad took us out for ice cream.  I stared quietly into space, which has become a horrible past time of mine. I left for home shortly afterwards.  Hugged my dad, told him I loved him.  Gave my mom a cold "bye."

I went home in my recent normal daze.  Got incredibly wasted.  Cried to my friends in a drunken state.

The next morning I said awful things to my mother in return.  Told her I hate her.  Told her she makes me hate myself.  Told her I want to kill myself.  And then ignored her calls all day.  Actually, I slept for 95% of the day.

And then my roommate got mad at me because I wouldn't help him with something.  Psht.  I don't even want to help myself with something.  I pretty much just lay around all day.

I told him I have bigger problems and I didn't want to deal with it.  He's an angry individual though. He snapped. 

I locked myself in the bathroom, hopped into a hot shower, and ignored him as he screamed things like "cunt," "I want you out of this fucking house," and "your life sucks because you made it suck."

At this point it can't get any worse so I just stood in the shower with a strange smile on my face.

As nice as death may seem to me right now, I need to stick around for my father's sake.  He needs me.