I bitch enough about my parents on here for it to be unnecessary to reiterate the whole "ahhh my parents hate me blah blah blah" shit. So I'm just going to say that I went to see my grandmother and parents today and expected it to go just as bad as every other time I see them.
I woke up this morning with one panic attack after another. My anxiety is getting bad. Really really bad. I was about to leave to see my parents at about 9am but I was shaking and freaking out and all of that nonsense. So I did yoga for thirty minutes. And it calmed me significantly.
But then as soon as I started gathering my belongings to head out to my car, I started thinking too much about my parents again and sure enough, my anxiety was right back where it was. It was ridiculous. I was trembling, I checked the stove a million times to make sure it was turned off, I was pacing back and forth... and I just wanted to light a candle and relax for a second. But I was too afraid to light the candle because I was afraid that I'd forget to blow it out.
...
Yeah horrible. I know. I know exactly what I need. Therapy, more yoga, and some take-as-needed Xanax. But I'm poor so I think the yoga is the only thing I'm gonna get around to.
Anyway, then I went to my grandmother's house and it was awful. I wanted my parents to know more about me. That was my goal. As soon as I started trying to open a dialogue about my life, my father left the room angry.
And this is the weird part... instead of my mom taking his side like she always does... she actually tried to calm me down. And she continued talking about my life and my goals with me.
I told her the truth about my feelings. That I can't move back there because it's not me. And that I'm very happy with my life and that I'm living it for me and no one else. And that I don't care what people think about me because I am 100% exactly who I want to be. And that if I knew that I was going to die tomorrow, I wouldn't have any regrets. And that I don't really want to be a teacher right now but I don't want to just sit in an office and waste my intelligence. And she offered great advice.. telling me that there has got to be a way to stay at my current super easy job but still feel like I'm feeding the intellectual side of me.
She gave me hope. And it made me feel very happy.
My dad continued to freak out until I was about to leave. Suddenly, however, he started to comfort me. It was strange. I mean, it was good but it wasn't something that I'm used to at all. I think he saw that I needed him. I mean, I'm quite frankly a mess here of late.
Such a total mess, mind you, that I was so rude to my grandmother. I feel horrible. Okay, if I knew I was going to die tomorrow I'd have one regret. I'd regret the fact that I was so frazzled today that I didn't give her the attention that she deserves :/
Oh and they made up for the fact that they didn't call me on my birthday. They had a birthday cake for me :) It was really pretty. And they gave me a card that made me nearly cry... about how proud they are about my independence and how they love me *sigh*
I'm so confused and stuff. I feel like a few days ago they didn't want anything to do with me. Actually they didn't want anything to do with me for a good year now. And all of a sudden it feels so different. Like they suddenly love me and want to be a part of my life.
I'm so confused and I don't know how to handle this.. mostly because I've been hurt badly by them before when I've convinced myself into thinking that things were getting better.
I don't want to get too excited because I feel like if I do... I'll be back here writing yet another "things are bad again" post. *sigh* I'm just gonna be cautious and take it day by day. That's really all that I can do. I don't want this to make my anxiety any worse.
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