Freewriting with tears

I feel like rambling my head off.  So I'm going to do a ten minute freewrite.  Starting now.

It is now 6:33pm and I just got done drinking an ice cold glass of water.  I hear the air pouring from the fan in the other room.  My desk is covered in water from the sweat bubbles on my glass, and I just took an acidophilus pill to try to counteract my acid reflux.  It was a very rough day at work today, but I survived as I survive everything else.  I had plenty of cases to withdraw, hearings to continue, judgments to vacate, agreements to fax, letters to draft: but the smiles from the attorneys that I assisted made me happy about my hard work.  On my lunch break I sat in my car in the hot summer air looking at the building that I work in.  My shoes were off, I was squinting because the white sky was so bright.  I felt like my break was too long.  I had so much to do so I honestly considered cutting my thirty minute vacation in half.  I am eagerly awaiting the falltime at this point.   I've been dreaming of pumpkin lattes- pumpkin everything, really.  I love the way the macadam looks blacker in the fall.  The leaves pitter patter, the scarf feels soft yet prickly against my pale neck.  I miss it so much.  I always feel like I'm at home when it's the falltime.  In the summer, I feel like an abandoned puppy or something.  Like I'm lost and no one is looking for me.  In the fall, in reality I'm just as lost as I am in the summer, but for some reason the warmth of my falltime jacket makes me feel like someone has got my back.  When really, I know that no one really has my back.  I'm pretty alone in the world.  It's the way it turned out, I don't know.  Will it always be that way?  Ask my mother, my father.  Ask anyone.  They'll all tell you "no" but I definitely know that if it will always be that way: at least I'm trained to deal with it now.  Holidays are vacant, my mailbox is always empty.  No one visits.  No one calls.  I'm lucky for the few close friends that I have but when it comes down to it, they won't always be there.  I know they won't.  We all have lives.  And it's sad because they have people that will always be there, families that are tight and will always be there with an arm around them.  Me, on the other hand, that's not the case.  It's been this way for years and as I said, at least I'm trained.  I can live on my own.  When I have big medical bills falling on my doorstep, I can handle it.  When I need to get a second job, I get a fucking second job.  I'm very self sufficient.  But I won't always be... I often wonder what it will be like when I'm a lonely little old lady and even more alone than I am right now.  Will I die unhappy?  Or will I be okay, because I've been trained to accept things for the way that they are?  Will I fill in the void with poetry and music, art and falling leaves?  I probably will.  I've always been one to cherish my loneliness just as much as I cherish the few times where I have someone holding my hand.  But it makes me cry, you know, if I think about it too hard.  I don't want to die alone.

All right.  Got that out of my system.