Pride

I feel like such a failure sometimes.  It's all a matter of perspective though, I'm sure.  I'm going to be 25 in a few short days and I was evaluating my life.  I don't know.  I always told myself that 24 was gonna be "the year."  I didn't even know what that meant.  But it certainly was "the year."  I lived on my own, I created an amazing network of friends, I rebuilt everything that I fucking damaged.  I learned more about myself in the last past year than I've learned in the previous 23 years before it.

I think my problem is that I'm never happy.  I hated the Lehigh Valley, I moved out.  I hated being single, I got attached.  I hated being attached, I became single again.  I hated being an underachiever, I quit my job.  I started my career, and now I feel like I'm selling myself short.

Pardon the comma splices.  I have a degree in English so I'm allowed.

I don't know.  I'm just generally never proud of myself.  I should be proud... I think.  Someone told me that I'm the bravest person she's ever met.  I don't get it.  I don't feel brave.  I feel like a girl who just "gets by."  I just happened to get lucky and things fell into place.  It had nothing to do with bravery.  I only took chances because I had to.  Because I'm never happy.  Because I wanted to be proud of myself.

And that's, I suppose, why I keep changing over and over again.  I'm constantly seeking pride.  I have yet to find it.  I feel as though none of my accomplishments ever existed.  I don't even fucking know what I've accomplished.  A college degree?  Whatever, everyone has one of those these days.

I have nothing to be proud about, really.

I guess I'm proud of my poetry.  It makes me want to cry when I read it sometimes.  It really makes me feel.  For a cold person to actually feel, that's exciting.  It makes me think that maybe my life isn't as fucking lame as I think it is.

And I guess in general my life isn't that lame compared to most normal people.  I have the craziest friends a girl could ask for and memories that you can't even find in movies or books.  I've experienced a lot, that I must say.  But I just feel...

like I'm not living up to my potential.  That I'm on slow motion or something.  That I should be living in a cute apartment down in the city somewhere making $65k with a kitty cat named Cupcake or something.  Why is it taking me so long to get where I know I should be?  Why is it so much easier for some people?

There are things I wouldn't change for the world right now.  If I had to pick between staying single or being in an amazing committed relationship, I would 100% without a doubt in my mind choose the single life.  I wouldn't change living alone.  I love it.  I wouldn't change being a paralegal (I love that too).  But why, fucking why, are my goals so far out of reach?

Why does life have to be so hard?  Why do I have to struggle so much to get where I know I deserve to be?  It's taking a toll on my confidence.  It's making me think that maybe I'm just not as smart as I once thought I was.