Human suffering

When I was younger, I didn't get it.  I hated going to visit family.  I always felt like the black sheep.  I always felt like no one truly cared about me, despite the fact that they often told me otherwise.  Now I'm older and I get it.  I was a selfish child.  Family isn't about selfishness.  It's about selflessness.  It's about looking at the smile on your little nephew's beautiful smiling two year old face and loving every second of his happiness, despite how empty you yourself might be.

When my other nephew graduated from high school and he stood there in his cap and gown making silly faces with me into the camera, I felt the same happiness that was flowing through his veins.  I am so happy for him and his future.  I hope it is the most beautiful one that the world can provide for him.  I hope that for all of my nieces and nephews.  All of my family.  My cousins, my parents, my grandmother.

I sat in a chair while my sister talked about her brain cancer this weekend.  How she was afraid that she was going to die alone.  I cried.  I love my sister so much, and when she hurts, I HURT.  It hurts so bad.  And it makes me look at my life and say, "Things are okay.  If my sister can do it, I can do it."

When I sat in the car for three hours talking to my mom about my 401k and how I made my dad the number one beneficiary because I worry for him, since my mom is so much older than my dad and he really doesn't have much of anything and she's not married to him, it also hits me. I love my parents more than anything in the world and I want them to live comfortable lives when they get older.  I worry so much.  They've worked so hard their whole lives to provide for me and I want to make such a good salary when I get older so that when need be, I can support them AND myself comfortably.  They deserve that.

It hurts so bad to have a missing spot in my heart.  I hate not having someone to love and hold.  Someone to care for.  Someone to buy gifts for.  Someone who picks a pretty flower for me when he sees one on the side of the sidewalk.  But this is an okay time for me to be single.  I really want to work hard and have a great career and maybe a man would distract me from that.  I can't have that.  It sucks so bad, it hurts so bad, but it's the truth.  And nothing worth having is easy to get.  A good salary and a comfortable life for my parents is worth having.  It's a shame, but it is what it is.

I wish hearts were like teeth.  You could just go to the dentist and get them filled.  I wish I could just fill my heart back up.  It hurts so so bad and I feel so incomplete.

But I have so many things to be extremely thankful for and I should never forget that.  I have a beautiful family, beautiful friends, a beautiful city, a great career (already), dreams that are worth chasing, a healthy body, and so many reasons to smile.

It's just so hard right now.  I wish it wasn't.  And I can't say that it's not fair.  Because everyone suffers.  It's a part of human existence and I'm a human.  Every human goes through suffering and it makes us stronger, builds character, and makes this world a better place.  It makes me a better Nicole.  But the journey is just so rough sometimes.  I've cried more this last year than I have in my entire life.  My entire 26 years on this planet.

I hope I can hold onto all of these lessons I've learned.  They're so valuable.  Each tear is bringing me one step closer to being a better person, as much as it hurts.  And let me tell you, it hurts more than any other pain I've ever felt in my life.

It's just so exhausting.  If I didn't have mild insomnia, I don't think I'd ever be awake.