The Sunset

"I fell hard, eyes collapsing into the sky blue waves, mouth bouncing off the black jetties."

And so it happened.  It was time to leave.  Prior to my flight, I sent an e-mail to my therapist.  "I am going to Hawaii and I am miserable."  Looking back, I can't understand it.  But I can at least say that I had a rough year and rough years make it hard to appreciate the beautiful things that fall into your lap.

As I sat at the gate, I conversed with a beautiful family.  Two of their children had cystic fibrosis and the little girl wanted to see Hawaii.  I felt happy when I talked to their older brother.  Happy for the future.  Such bright little kids wandering this great earth.

The first flight went fast and I landed in Arizona.  I grabbed some food and then I headed to my gate.
Two hour delay.  Alright, I'll make the best of it.  I am standing against a column and my mom is texting me.  I look around.  I jokingly tell her about my potential lovers who are delayed with me.  Before me there's a very attractive one with a hat.  I say to myself "Now that one is ideal.  He would never be interested in a girl like me."  So I scan to the left and see another potential lover.  Kinda cute, but more of a friend type.  Then I look to the right of Mr. Ideal and I see someone that falls in between the two.  I thought to myself, "I guess I'll settle for that one."

Then we get delayed again.  The flight that was supposed to leave at 1:55 was now leaving at 8:00.  And the new gate was on the other side of the airport.  As I gathered my meal voucher and bags, I noticed that Mr. Ideal was sitting in a restaurant eating.  I looked at him and it was very obvious.  If he would have looked at me, I would have told him that our gate changed, but I didn't.

So I made my way all the way over to the other side of the universe.  When I arrived, I ate, I found a place to plug in my phone, and a man told me that I'd be perfect for his son Ian.  He almost missed his flight but gave me all of Ian's contact information.  I thought it was strange and honestly, Ian didn't seem to be my type when I checked him out online, per his father's request. I went to the new gate again and found a new place to plug in.. right next to Mr. In-Between.  This was right after seeing Mr. Ideal with his beautiful smile talking to a stranger.  Kinda broke my heart.

Anyway, back to Mr. In-Between.  I feel like I can have a conversation with anyone and everyone but honestly, he wouldn't pick up on any of my leads.  And I figured that maybe he just was not that into me.  Either that or he was just incredibly socially awkward.  But it was okay, our flight was supposed to start boarding ten minutes ago.

Or so I thought.  The air conditioner broke and there would be another delay.

And I am so thankful for that delay.

I remember it was finally very close to boarding and I walked back to the seats at my gate.  I saw one open next to Mr. Ideal, who was talking to some kids, but I sort of rolled my eyes and looked around for another seat.  There wasn't any.  And honestly, I was just fucking exhausted.  So I just plopped down next to him with my messy hair and tired eyes.

He immediately turned to me and started talking.  Or, joking, rather.   For the five minutes or so that we sat there, we joked about everything.  We came to the determination that the only reason that Hawaii is so great is because "it's better than fucking Arizona,"

I was so weirded out by our comfortable conversation that I didn't realize that they started boarding all the way to zone two.  He looked at me and said, "well hopefully you're not zone four!"  I, like an idiot, looked at my ticket and sure enough I was zone two, which was the same as him.  So we walked together and out of nowhere he handed me his business card.  He said, "in case you need a tour guide."  He even looked at my ticket to see if we had seats close to one another.  I was behind him so he said that I could throw paper at him.  I said that I intended on doing so.

We joked all the way to our seats, about how I probably lost my job due to drug use and how crazy my tattooed parents are.  When I sat down, he immediately turned around and started talking to me.  But then the lights went low and we all went to sleep.  It was time for Hawaii.  Every time I woke up, I looked up at Mr. Ideal leaning against his window taking a cute nap.  Oh and sure enough, he socialized with the person sitting next to him.  Just like me.

When we arrived in Hawaii, I passed his seat and told him I'd contact him about that tour.  The funny part is that I booked it, because I knew my dad and uncle were waiting for me and I really just needed to go to the bathroom to collect myself, fix my hair, relax before my dad started freaking out, as always.  And when I left the bathroom, sure enough Mr. In-Between was there.  He made eye contact with me and he would not let it break.  Not for anything.  He wanted me to talk to him, but I didn't say a word.  Why should I?

Dad and Uncle Glenny picked me up.  They told me how they just saw a man tied up and put into a white van.  They talked about how the Hawaiians don't like white people.  When we got to the hotel room, Uncle Glenny and I went on a walk on the beach and through Waikiki.  He showed me his mermaid tattoo.

On day one, we hiked up Diamond Head, which was beautiful. (This was after a breakfast that was complete with complimentary spam). Uncle Glenny and I made it up first but he stressed me out by nearly dying a million times, so I basically ran down the trail hyperventilating.  He bought me a smoothie to make me feel better.  After that we swam in the ocean, the lagoon, and the pool.  Then I put on a cute dress, pretty makeup, and was ready for the luau.

And all this time, I was thinking about Mr. Ideal.  John.  But unfortunately my phone wasn't working because my boob sweat from the hike soaked into the screen.  I kid you not.

But it dried up when we left for the luau, so I started text John.  He responded promptly and we had a dinner date set up for the next night.  He also told me that the luau I was going to was excellent.  He was right.  It was the most beautiful thing in the world.  And I was so happy to be there with my family.  I watched hula dancers, I shopped, I made a flower headband and wristband with my uncle.  I drank mai tais with everyone.  Then we ate a lot of food while the hula dancers danced.  We had pork, rice, bean salad, island fish, fresh pineapple, haupia, We befriended an Australian father and daughter.  The daughter, sadly, was terminally ill.  It seemed to be an ongoing theme.

Day two we went to Pearl Harbor, which was pretty moving.  I almost cried during the movie.  Our tour guide to and fro Pearl Harbor was great.  He took us through a neighborhood known for mangoes.  There were hundreds!  Then he took us to a hill where Hawaiians used to bury their victims of human sacrifice.  On the way back, he took us past the King Kamehameha statute and the apartment where Barack Obama was raised.

When we got back, we did some shopping, but I was excited to see John.  I also wanted to swim some more.  So I spent some alone time on the beach and in the lagoon.  It was perfect.  I'm glad I got that alone time.  Then I went home and put my shine on for John.  He warned me that his car wasn't luxurious.

When he pulled up, it wasn't a beater like I was expecting so I called him out on it.  He then advised me that the air conditioner doesn't work.  Oh well.  So he brought me to a cute bar/restaurant.  And honestly, we immediately connected.  I loved how he was a decision maker.  No one ever believes me when I beg them to make a decision for me.  He ordered our food and I loved it all.  Ahi poke, escargots, and edamame.  While we were eating, he won me a Kona Brewing Co shirt.  After that, we couldn't just end our fun date.  We decided to go to Waikiki for cheesecake.

So we parked and he gave me a piggy back ride.  We got sandwiched in between a group of girls and guys on an escalator.  I was girl talking to the girls behind me and he was guy talking to the guys in front of him.  When we got our slice of key lime cheesecake, we headed to the beach to eat it.  We sat down together and ate it.  We cuddled, and soon I was lucky enough to get some kisses from Mr. Ideal while the full moon overlooked us.

Eventually we decided to go back to his place.  On the way back to the car, a homeless man greeted us at one point and said, "it makes me so happy to see a couple that's actually happy for once, it's beautiful."

John then schooled me on how in Waikiki, everywhere you see an ATM, there will be a prostitute nearby.  And sure enough, this was true.  When we got to his neighborhood, he said that we had to walk a bit, which I thought was strange.  What was even stranger was the ten million homeless people chilling outside on the sidewalk.  And then, there was the fact that he lived in a boarding house.  We had to be quiet so the guard wouldn't hear, or the other boarders.

Despite all that.. weirdness. I comfortably plopped on his bed and we had a very enjoyable night together.  I made him drive me home at 3 a.m. because I knew my parents would be worried.  Sure enough, at 3:30 a.m. my mom peeked her head into the room to make sure I wasn't dead.

The next day I was glowing.  My mom noticed immediately.  This was the day that we decided to loop the island.  We started off at Hanauma Bay.  I snorkled and it was the most fun thing in the world!  I joked around with John.  He said, "Did you step on the coral and feed the fish?" (big no-nos) and I said yes, that I also took a sea turtle home (another big no-no, they're endangered).  His response was, "Yesss turtle soup!"

Snorkling with my parents was so much fun and I would do anything to do it again.  I'm so thankful for that day.  Mom did notice my hickey though and told both Dolly and Glenny.  Glenny promised to not tease me though so he was nice about it.  After the snorkling adventure, we looped the rest of the island.  We found beautiful lighthouses and perfect beaches.  We went to a cool marketplace too, at the Polynesian Cultural Center.  We fought along the way but we also got along perfectly, just like every other family.  I did the map navigation, dad did the driving, Glenny and Dolly kept us calm, mom just enjoyed the sights.  It was perfect.  We drove through the Dole plantations on the way back and saw two tiny dead pigs on the side of the road.  Definitely not something a Pennsylvanian usually sees.  The pineapples were really cool too.

We were relieved to get home.  It was a very, very long drive.  Also, I had a second date to get back for.  Mom, Dad, Glenny and Dolly went out for seafood and I got ready for my date with a glass of wine.  He picked me up and brought me to an awesome restaurant, Nico's Pier 38.  We shared swordfish and pan seared ahi.  It was amazing.  He has good taste buds!  After that he tried to find me kava to no avail, so eventually we went to Starbucks and enjoyed some drinks together.  We had some awkward moments because we revealed some things that I think were very personal.  But it was good.  They were things that needed to be put on the table and we recovered after a long walk on the beach (while panicking because we both had to pee and there was nowhere to go!).  We found some cute anoles too, which is something you don't see in Pennsylvania.

We, of course, went back to his apartment and had another nice night together.  It was great, actually.  I felt so good just being in his arms.  I told him I had to get back around 3:00 a.m. so my mom didn't have a heart attack and he was pretty bummed.  I was too. Another strange thing.. he thought that maybe I had a boyfriend back home.  He asked me.  I told him no.

On day four, we had to check out of the hotel at 11:00 a.m. so I hung out with my family until about 11:30 a.m.  But I really wanted to see John before my flight at 10:30 p.m., so I went off to see him.  My mom was very supportive about it.  John picked me up and our first thing on the to-do list was shave ice.  But first we stopped for spam musubi.  Which was.. so much better than it sounds.  I want it right now.  And we also stopped at a cool little local marketplace where I tried some Hawaiian coffee and some cacao beans.

Then we finally got our shave ice to share in Haleiwa, the flavors of which were li hing mui and blueberry coated with condensed milk.  There was ice cream and adzuki beans on the bottle.  TO DIE FOR.  We got a large and almost ate the whole thing together.  And his love of plantlife was so cute to me.  He showed me some plants on the way to the shave ice and made me sniff a Christmas leaf, as he called it.  It definitely smelled like Christmas.

We drove around for a few hours.  He took me to a mall and we just walked around holding hands and smiling, enjoying each other's company.  It was such a beautiful area to drive through.  I hadn't seen it yet.  It was densely forested but in the most beautiful way ever.  He also took me through a very long tunnel through a mountain.  Essentially, I looped the island again but we took a different route.  After that we got some shrimp because the Vietnamese place he wanted to take me for pho was closed.  I was so confused!  I never had shrimp that wasn't peeled, because I don't know, I didn't grow up on an island, so he had to school me on that.  But they were so good.

We only had a short amount of time before my flight and we were exhausted from the hot car so we went to the mall and got a smoothie together (after grabbing my bags from hotel storage).  We shared our smoothie and walked around the mall hand-in-hand.  And it was perfect.  We talked about bad dates in the past, which was amusing.

And towards the end, we set a timer on my phone, and we snuggled and kissed against his car in the parking garage for as long as we could.  This was also perfect.  He gave me his hat.

When we got to the airport, we sat in the cell phone waiting parking lot for a long long time.  He leaned his cute head against my chest and listened to my heart.  I ran my hands through his cute hair.  It was the most comfy thing in the world.  And when the timer went off and we drove to the terminal, he got out, helped me get out my bags, and gave me a bunch of goodbye kisses.  As I walked away, I went out of my way to look back and see if he was still there.  He was.  I waved, he waved, and then I went off to security.

I remember feeling genuinely down.  I remember thinking.. "well what am I supposed to do now?"

I texted my mom.  I ran into what looked like Cameron Diaz in the bathroom.  I walked into Wee Man at LAX.. and through all of this I kept thinking about how badly I missed Hawaii already.  When I landed in Philly.. like clockwork...

John texted me to make sure I got home safely.  And we have been talking ever since.  I'm not sure where this is going, but I'll let it take me wherever it wants to go.  I'm trying to be open to current.  I hope it drags me somewhere good.

I can definitely say though, that I am so thankful for my parents.  I love them so much and I am so thankful that I got to spend time with them in beautiful Hawaii.  I can't wait to go on another vacation with them, and hopefully Glenny and Dolly too.  I'm a lucky girl to have these people in my life and I should never forget that.  Maybe next year we can go on another adventure together.

Crossroad

Sometimes when you fall to the ground, you bounce up on your wounded, worn knees and fly higher into the sky than you've ever flown.  You look down and see mountains, gorges.  Beautiful people that you never would have had the pleasure of knowing.

It's beautiful.  But sometimes it's hard.

Sometimes you're up there and you don't know what to do, because you never want to fall down to the ground ever again and find yourself in a deeper hole than you somehow were lucky enough to escape the first time around.

But I guess that's an irrational fear.  Humans are resilient.  As long as you don't fear changes and risks, I believe that you can hop on a plane again in the future.  Will you ever fly as high as you did last time?  I don't know.  But since there's nothing you can do about that, there's no reason to dwell on it.  Just be thankful you're flying, I suppose.

I think I'm at a crossroad and a lot of things can happen here.

Canyons

Everything is so dim that I'm starting to believe that the world is lit by candles.  I want to remove the clouds from the sky and get a magnifying glass, peeking deeply into the woven blue quilt, looking for the tiny peepholes that will expose the candles, dimly lighting up the sky.

That's how I feel.  At least through my eyes, as everything is hard to see.  The world is so blurry, warm salty springs sprouting mad rivers down my sun damaged cheeks, falling into the grooves of the sags.  Not dripping down to my breasts anymore, rather, getting caught in the deep canyons, and then evaporating into the empty sky.  I'm certain that my whole face tastes like a salty bay, slowly moving water collecting that taste more dilligently than the ocean.

But my eyes, my face, the sky, that's nothing.

If you performed open heart surgery, cutting through my exhausted flesh, examination room light beating down to my pale pale chest, you would be surprised by the findings (or, the lack thereof).  Four-hundred and twenty three days ago, a day which I remember in the most detailed of memories, I drove down a black city street with beautiful stars looking down at me saying, "It will be okay."  But it wasn't.  I cried for fifteen miles on Second Street, Spring Garden, Broad, Ridge Avenue.  And somewhere along the dilapidated trash-scented air I managed to lose an entire organ to the gutters.  And which gutter, I don't know, but it is gone for good.  Possibly on the black market, possibly in the chest of another at this very moment.

But I can say only one thing for sure:  Despite the heaviness of my face and the warm creeks trickling down my sunspotted cheeks, none of it makes up for the emptiness in my chest.  None of it.

Sleep

I am sitting at my kitchen table in lacy florescent panties and navy blue pushup bra.  Next to me I have a cutting board with a knife, along with some remnants from the salad I just made.  I have two stamps on my hand from last night, and my nailpolish is chipping so I should probably reapply.

The most important part of this scene, however, is my face.  Red, poofy eyes.  Stretched cheeks from rubbing them all night.  Eyebrows slanted downwards, and just a defeated face in general.

Last night was hard for me.  I'm really struggling because I can't go to therapy because I don't have a job.  And I don't see myself finding a good job in the near future.  It's tough.  But I feel like while the job problem is a big problem, it's not the real core issue here.  The core issue here is that I can't even find one reason to be alive anymore.

Last night my friend got me on the guest list for his show.  Which was incredibly sweet of him.  He's a very popular guy, the show sold out, and yet he chose to give me a guest spot.  I am thoroughly grateful for that.  But I feel like I don't even know how to conduct a normal night out anymore.  It just makes me awfully depressed.  I would rather stay at home always and forever so that I don't have any expectations for myself.  So that I don't see everyone else being happy.  So that I don't see a glimmer of hope that dissipates rapidly, sending me into some serious sadness.

On the drive from North Philly to my tiny apartment, Keith asked me what's wrong.  I told him.. I am sick of being a third wheel all of the time.  I am sick of having a giant void in my chest.  I am sick of the fact that I can't enjoy anything anymore.  In the morning, I told Alyssa that I don't even see the point of living anymore, that I hope I will just die in my sleep.  I told her that I am a complete utter fuck up.

Last night when I got home, I got into bed and me (an atheist of many years) prayed and prayed for hours, tears streaming down my eyes, "please please please take me in my sleep tonight."  And when I woke up in the morning, I was so upset that I woke up.  I walked around the house.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I got antsy.  I needed something to pass the time.  So I got back into bed, eyes puffy with tears, and wrote on a piece of paper over a hundred times, "I just want to die," just to pass the fucking time.

I know that no one wants to be around someone who is this seriously depressed.  I know that there probably isn't any relief coming in the near future.  I know that crying my eyes out in bed and begging for death won't do a damn fucking thing.. because if it did, I would have found SOMETHING by now.

But the truth is.. I really sincerely don't know what to do other than to pretend I'm happy.  It works for a bit.  The positive vibes run through my veins and make me forget about how MUCH I HATE LIVING.  You don't understand.  I don't even care anymore.  I don't give two flying fat fucks that my mom and dad would miss me.

I just want to be put out of my misery.  Fast and painlessly, unexpectedly.  I just want to go to sleep.

I just don't know what to do anymore

I am wearing an old deep gray tattered sweatshirt and light gray sweatpants.  My nail polish is peeling, my hair is unwashed.  I feel two lukewarm tears traveling down my oily face.  I'm barefoot.  My back is sore and warm.  There isn't a sound inside my apartment aside from the clicking of my keyboard and the rumbling in my stomach.  Outside though, there are blowing trees and racing cars.

I feel alone.  I do.  I feel like I won't ever find whatever it is that will make me feel whole.  I just want to be a good person, yes, but sometimes it just kills me inside.  I just looked at a picture of my beautiful sister and she has the biggest smile on her face.  She is so happy and I absolutely love it.  I am so thankful that she found peace and happiness and love and everything.

But after I said "You are just beaming, I love it," I started to cry.

When will it be my turn to beam?  When will it be my turn to find happiness?

Most days I have been doing much better.  Not much wallowing, not much self pity - I try to spend my time making the people that I care about feel better.  I try to spend my time focusing on positives and being a good person, even to complete strangers.  But now and then I stray from this pathway and I just become very sad.  I feel so empty inside.  Like the universe has abandoned me.  Like I don't deserve happiness or something.  Like I am not a good enough person.  Like I have so much more work to do-

But I'm exhausted.  I am so tired of trying so hard.  The whole thing just breaks my heart.  I want to be happy too.  I feel like a fucking mental case.  Like I don't know how to live like everyone else, and maybe that's why I'm so alone.

I have friends, I have family, I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, a vehicle, an education.. but really, some days I feel like none of that matters.  Because I still sit at home alone and feel like there's no purpose for me.  Like there is no reason for me to even be alive.

I always say that one day I'll adopt a kid and that will help me find purpose.  Well, I don't have a job anymore.. so that puts a big damper on that.  So now what?

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I don't cry like I used to.  I don't wallow as much as I used to.  I, in general, make it through the days with more ease.  But sometimes I feel so tired.  Sometimes things happen that make me feel like I'm on some sort of path, but I can't be certain.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Tossing shit

I am in a terrible mood.  I just poured myself a beer, merely because I am too upset to drive to the wine store for a bottle that I would definitely consume in one sitting.  I am upset because I'm sweaty and gross and unemployed and I have had the worst fucking year ever.

Yeah, things are improving emotionally.  But today was just bad.

I sat there and thought about it.  My health issues that I have been avoiding.  The autoimmune disease that I conveniently decided to ignore when my doctor was explaining the cause of my super rare parathyroid condition.  The fact that I had to piss in a jug for 24 hours straight and get several viles of blood taken just to find out that "Oh! So my calcium level is way below what my doctor told me is alright for a girl in her 20s."

He said, "Nicole, you don't want your calcium being below ___ in your 20s."  Finding out that it is much below, actually DECREASING from my last visit, oh yes.. that's just great.

Am I never going to be able to be okay again?  Will I never find a job again?  Will I never be the same worker?  Will I lose my apartment?  Will I lose everything?  What is going to happen to me?  These are questions I ask on a regular basis.

I don't leave my home much because I'm scared of the money situation.  I'm scared of so many things.  I'm scared that I'm really going to be alone forever now.  I found a cute guy that I went on a date with, when he finds out all of this badness in me, he is not going to want me.

I just don't know what to do.  My insurance ends after two more days.

And I love myself.  I do.  I love the fact that despite all of the fucked up shit that happened to me over the last past year, I have shot back to myself.  I am Nicole again.  I am not some depressed girl wanting to die under the covers.  I want to live now.

So why does the universe continue to toss fucking shit at me?

A day worth celebrating every year.

Message: It'd be awesome if you could pass this along one day. It's just a thank you note <3 nbsp="" p="">
Dear Craig,

I'm not going to bore you with my life.  I am a woman who has been through a lot though, as most people have been.  I don't think my struggle is unique or anything, I just think that life is hard.  But I want you to know that I am thankful for what you have done for me.  Through every ounce of pain I've endured, I've had a song of yours to help me through it.  Recently I lost my job.  My job was the last real thing that I had in the world.  So I walked out of the building a blank slate, and as the sunlight enveloped me, I looked up to the blue sky and smiled.  On the way home, I listened to Secret of Life, understanding every word more deeply than the day before.

Thank you.  I just wanted you to know how much you are needed.  And you know what, there are plenty of artists out there for people to grip to in times of need.  I'm sure you have some yourself that you deem irreplaceable.  Well Craig, you're my "irreplaceable" and thanks for keeping me sane in this awfully fast-paced world we live in.  It's nice to just chill out sometimes, lie on the beach, and listen to Good Enough on repeat as the gentle low tide waves remind me that all I have to do is keep existing.

Again, thank you friend,
Nicole


Response:  I most definitely will. Thanks for sharing your words Nicole, so incredible x

What more can I ask for?

The summer sky is swelling, engorging through my window, pressing down on my head.  The sun's rays are yelling for me to go outside, but where is there to go?   What more can I ask for?  I can ask for peace.  I can ask for a subtle gentle life to grab my finger tips and wrap them around a warm mug.  I want the walls of my home to fall down and allow me to consolidate with the atmosphere, creating an easy flow of energy, tree poses pointed upward real good into the summer stars.  The world has become such a hard place.  One in which the atmosphere works against me, not with me.  I feel suffocated from the trees waving at me from outside, as I know that I also have a firm handshake pulling me from inside.  Coffee cups are rigidly spilling drips onto my button-down, my face forming wrinkles as my eyebrows slant downward.  I can feel the gravity of the situation pulling at the sides of my lips, frowns so frequent now that the dry skin surrounding them takes on a new permanent residence.  Since when was I the human being working against our natural ways?  Since when was I the human being who taps her foot on the beautiful white beach, unable to listen to the sound of the waves crashing upon the selfless shoreline?  This has got to stop.  What more can I ask for?  To become one with all that surrounds me.

To be the resting bird, not the foundation of my decaying home.

Cycles

I would like to preface this by saying that I am deeply hormonal.  I ate a chocolate bar the size of my head today in one sitting, chocolate pieces melting onto my yoga pants as I stared sadly into the TV.

Days have been the same.  Each one flows right into the next.  I work out for about two hours a day and sometimes add on a half hour yoga session, in which I practice the ever-daunting crow pose.  I make elaborate salads, I cook vegetables, I clean.  I text people, I read, I watch episode after episode of Hawaii 5-0, which is usually kind of terrible to a certain extent but I just love staring at Alex O'Loughlin.

I have been doing a lot of testing.  Not like.. education-wise.  I had five vials of blood taken today and I had to collect 24 hours worth of urine in a gross jug.  And honestly, I sort of enjoyed this stuff because I have nothing else to do.

And don't get me wrong, this is a much needed break.  But today and yesterday, it has been killing me a bit because my inner PMS demon is craving magnesium and Chinese food and there's only so much I can give it.

Tomorrow I'm going out for a margarita with Nick and getting new tires on my vehicle.  Friday, Alyssa is coming over.  Sunday, I have a free show to go to at Penn's Landing.

I should be thankful, I suppose.  For the first time in a long time, I am only sad because I'm a woman, not because I hate my life.  This is the first time I've been sad in an unwarranted manner for about a year.  That's GREAT.

It'll pass.

Gratitude

The cool spring breeze is tangling itself with my living room blinds, gently falling onto my freshly shaven legs.  The birds are tweeting and I’ve seen more sunlight than I’ve seen in years.  And now, finally, I think I have reached the turning point.  I am thankful to wake up each and every day.  The air is enough to keep me breathing.  When I drive on the road to anywhere, I look around and I can think of a million reasons to smile.  I am here, isn’t that enough to be thankful for?  I have survived terrible things but others have survived much worse, and I feel for them.  My heart aches for them.  And I want to be there to help hold them to the sky, so that they can also see the light that I have finally found.  No matter what, these last few days I have only seen the silver lining.  It’s starting to feel like that’s all there is.

I went to the park during the daylight hours and found a spot in the middle of a meadow.  I put down my yoga mat and did a tree pose, hands pointed to the sky.  I have been continuing my tears these days but they’re beautiful tears.  Happy tears.  Ones that have been coming from so far down in my gut that they bust out in little spurts, a smile gracing my newly radiant face.  Mom said it, grammy said it, “You look great.”  That’s because I look happy.

So where did that happiness come from?  Having NOTHING.

You know, in the last past year, I have faced so many demons.  In the last few days, a new one came running after me.  I had to have a biopsy from a doctor who thought I might have cancer and need surgery.  I am okay, but I sort of put my hands up and yelled, "I surrender."  I get it, I'm not in control of anything.  I get it, the universe is going to take me where I need to go and I have to have faith that it's taking me to wherever I'm supposed to be.

And then a few days later I lost my job.  And now I finally have nothing.  But with nothing, you learn that you have EVERYTHING.

I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, a mom and dad that I love, a grandmother who makes me smile so deeply, two sisters and a brother who support me through thick and thin, friends who treated me like gold throughout this terrible experience.. I have EVERYTHING.

When I was told that I was losing my job, I hardly batted an eye and I think it freaked out the office manager.  She said that I could “take a moment” before leaving and I said no.  I walked into my attorney’s office.  He said one nice thing after another to me.  To close things off, I said “Alright, I’m gonna peace out.  It was fun.”  We smiled at each other and I began walking to the door.  A legal assistant said, “Where are you going?”  I said, “The zoo,” smiled, and left the office with her innocent laughter following me out.  When I left the building, I tilted my head upwards and looked to the sky for a second.  I let the sun's rays really soak into my skin.  And I smiled.  I drove away smiling.  This was the best bad news I have ever received.

A fresh slate.  I have nothing, but I have everything.  No one can take away my excellent skill set, my competitive resume, my education, my professional certification, my references.  I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman with a level head.  But honestly, I’m going to do this at a steady and slow pace.  This is the first real “vacation” I have had since the last time I was on unemployment, which was in 2011.  Like dad said, “I hope you find a job soon, but not too soon.”

Now is my time to heal.  I feel like a human being again, not the skeleton that I’ve been dragging around by a dead spirit for a year.

The universe is good to me.  I feel so lucky to have the life that I do. I am thankful every single day.  Thank you, so much, for giving me a chance to start over.  I promise to be kind, generous, loving, and supportive to anyone who needs a helping hand.  I want to be the one to say, "I promise, everything is going to be okay."

I am just so thankful to be alive.  So so thankful.