The hallucinogen theory.

I talked to my mom for real for the first time in over a year. The walls came down. We didn't talk about the weather. We talked about us. I was sneaky. I started the conversation off with health insurance.

And then I told her that I need to see a therapist.

She said okay and didn't ask why. And then she tried to change the subject back to health insurance. I wouldn't let her.

I told her that I'm lonely. And that I tremble a lot... which shows that my anxiety is coming back. And that I don't have anyone in my life to talk to. And that Kevin ripped out one-third of my heart on my birthday. And now I only have two-thirds left. And that I wish I had family, because I don't anymore. And that her and dad don't know me at all anymore.

I said to her, "I wish you guys knew more about me. I feel like if you guys were asked to write a paragraph about me, you couldn't."

She said we used to talk a lot when I was in college and I said, "Why did that stop?" She said "I don't know." I know why. I could have answered that for her. But I let it go.

I told her that it's frustrating because I don't have many people in my life to talk to. Just Keith and Keely. And not Kevin because Kevin isn't allowed to talk to me anymore with the baby situation. She responded with "That's so sad."

She asked me if Keith and I were good friends again (because we had a bit of a rough situation a few months ago). I said that things are all right but still a little bit shaky. I told her that it's horrifying because if I lose him, then I only have Keely because quite frankly, I don't have family to fall back on emotionally.

She told me that she's thankful that I have Keely.

Then we talked about my poetry. And then we eased back into health insurance. And then at the end of the conversation she said, I kid you not, "Be happy my love, you deserve it."

I'm thoroughly convinced that I was on some sort of hallucinogen and none of that conversation really happened.

But yeah, she even told me to call if I need someone to talk to. I know you're getting your hopes up for me. But honestly, I'm not sure anything will come of it. My mom has let me down over and over and over again for over a year now. I've learned to not get excited. Because when I get excited, she lets me down and I feel like the world is ending. And I've had that feeling more than enough times in the last past year.

Besides, who knows, maybe the hallucinogen theory is correct.

thankful for that call

Battling a rough feeling right now. Let me put it this way... it's like your favorite person in the world just died. But then they're revived for a short second to get a few more words out. And then they die again.

Remember the friend I wrote about the in the previous post?

I was sitting on my futon eating crackers and watching The Office and the phone started ringing. I looked to see who it was. It was him.

I answered in a millisecond.

When he told me we couldn't be friends anymore, he still had my laptop in his possession. He said he would give it to his mom and I could pick it up from her. He was calling me to tell me that he didn't give it to her yet.

And then I changed the subject to his baby really quick so he couldn't escape me. We talked about how his parents reacted and how her parents reacted. About how the heck he managed to get her pregnant. We also talked about the past. And how we don't regret the past. About how it's kind of hilarious that she got pregnant in November and exactly a year before that we were still together. And then we talked about how he ripped out a piece of my heart when he told me that we couldn't be friends anymore. Because I don't have many friends. And my family is.. *sigh*

At the end of the conversation he said "I'll talk to you.. soon." He didn't mean soon. He hesitated because he knew he wouldn't be talking to me soon. And I could also tell that he was upset that he wouldn't be talking to me soon. It sounded like "soon" was a painful word.

I made him promise to tell me if it's a boy or a girl. And then before the call ended he sighed and said, "Nicole... if you ever really need me, you can call me."

*sigh* And now I'm crying. Really, losing a best friend is the worst thing that could happen to me. Because my friends are all that I have. I'm devastated. I told him I'm devastated and he said "I know."

Missing Puzzle Piece

All right. So today my heart was broken. Which is quite possibly the most painful feeling in the whole entire universe. Losing a best friend, for me, feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest. Let me put it this way... it feels like I'm dying a slow and painful death when I lose a friend.

BUT.. my friends know me. They know how important they are to me. They know that they are my life support and there is nothing that makes me happier than seeing their beautiful faces. And this friend that broke my heart knows it too.

His girlfriend told him that I can't be friends with him anymore. He informed me of this. My heart shattered into a million pieces and when I am diagnosed with a broken heart I get mean. So I was very very mean. And didn't mean a word of what I said because quite frankly, I love my friends with every single piece of my heart.

He knows that about me. And then in the midst of my being meanness, he wished me a happy birthday. And then...

He told me that his girlfriend is pregnant. And that he cares about me. And that he hopes one day that we can be friends again. But that he has got to be good to her right now.

And then everything made sense to me. And I guess I have to be patient. Because my friends are so important to me that I'm willing to be patient. I don't want to lose him or any of my friends, because they are the world to me. Actually... the universe to me. I have nothing else.

Today I'm 24. My heart is still aching and it's going to continue to ache until I get my best friend back. One thing that I think my friends need to know is how badly they can hurt me by leaving my side. I am devastated. And I'm on edge right now, worrying about the future. I need him just like I need all of my friends.

It's like a puzzle. If one piece goes missing, it never feels complete. I don't feel complete.

My birthday and my booty.

My annual birthday get-together was pretty fun last night. Honestly, tamer than I expected, but awesome nonetheless!

Started off at Keely's place. Had a few beers and some shots. Left her place drunk and tumbled down a hill, stayed on the ground laughing my butt off and waving my feet in the air. Classy, I know.

Met some friends at the bar! Most of my friends bailed on me at the last minute but oh well because the ones that did show up were awesome! :)

Danced bunches at the bar but it ended far too soon. Spent over $40 on alcohol. The fuck?! Yeah, I never spend that much on alcohol. Especially after pre-gaming.

Befriended two strangers on the street named Jack and Kyle. Jack gave me his number. And then when I couldn't walk anymore because I was drunk, I sat on a sidewalk and Jack called me. We had a drunken conversation.

I was so wasted that I nearly passed out while waiting for my vegan cheesesteak at a cheesesteak place. Then I nearly passed out on a park bench. And then I found my friend's car on the way up a hill and I begged him to let me sleep in it. He basically pulled me out of his car and dragged me up to Keely's place.

Then I passed out on her couch.

How do I never get a hangover?! I don't get it. I mean, it's a good thing. But I'm like.. 5 feet tall and 120 pounds (most of those 120 pounds are in my Puerto Rican booty). Wait.. maybe my booty soaks up the alcohol and that's why I don't get sick.

Oh my god am I really typing this shit? I'm gonna go back to bed.

smiling faces.

Life is far too short to worry about anything really. So I'm just gonna shove my parents to the side. I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for. Friends that make me feel complete in every way possible. Friends that can make me smile no matter what is making me blue.

I love them with every single piece of my heart.

This weekend will be spent with some of my favorite people in the universe and I'm going to enjoy every second of it. I promised myself.

My family lets me down a lot. But these people are always there for me, ALWAYS. And I don't give two flying fat fucks that my birthday is this weekend. This isn't about me. The only thing that I care about is that I'll be spending Friday night drinking and dancing with the people who carry a piece of my heart with them everywhere they go. Seeing their smiling faces will be the best gift a girl could ever receive on her birthday.

Blank Space

I just wanted to write. That's all really. I have no idea what I'm going to write about. I guess I'll write about a sad thing and then ease into a happy thing.

Sad thing: Mommy and daddy hate me.

I know, I bitch about this all too much. But it is a pain that doesn't go away with time. It hurts more as time goes on, honestly.

I thought things were okay. But that's how it always is. Things start to become "okay" and then it instantly pops right back into "fucking awful."

I didn't hear from my mother for a long time. I kept making plans for them to come visit my apartment but they kept bailing. So I gave my mom a call. She sounded so displeased to talk to me. It felt like I was talking to a soulless body. She handed the phone to my father so he could ask me something about my taxes and he didn't sound too pleased to talk to me either.

It was just this overwhelming feeling that they felt disappointed in me. Like talking to me was painful and horrible for them. It made me think about death.

I know, morbid. Death is on my mind a lot. I constantly feel like I'm going to die soon. For real. It's horrifying. And it scares me more to know that my family really doesn't contact me.. ever. How long would it take for them to notice I was missing? Weeks, I'm sure.

In a totally serious tone I said to my coworker, "If I ever randomly stop coming to work.. please look into it. You guys are the only ones who would know that I'm missing."

She agreed to send a search party.

Moving along. Happy subject:

...

...

I literally stared at the screen for 15 minutes and couldn't think of anything.

Ale-ale-jandro.

I had an intense conversation at the gay bar about how sexuality is fluid. It's interesting because my entire life, the one thing that has remained constant is that I'm incredibly attracted to women. Now and then, however, I go through about a week or so where I happen to notice men more, but not in an "I want to have sex with him" kind of way. More of a "Wow he's smoking hot" kind of way.

There's something in addition to my attraction to women that has remained constant. I have always been attracted to gay men. Like, incredibly. Like I am attracted to gay men nearly as much as I am attracted to women. It's funny. I get teased for it. I mean, it's definitely tease worthy. Here's a girl who identifies as a lesbian and yet she's attracted to seeing two men together. I mean, I don't want to touch them. I just want to observe.

It's fascinating.

Keely identifies as queer. And I understand why. Labels are so annoying. And yes, queer is a label, but it's a better label. "Lesbian" is so limiting. "Queer" definitely embraces sexual fluidity. For simplicity sake, I choose "lesbian" because I really just don't want to do anything sexual with men, period. I may be incredibly attracted to a man every once and a while (usually a gay man 99.9% of the time), but I really don't want his hands anywhere near me. Which is perfect because a gay man doesn't really want his hands anywhere near me either.

It's confusing, you know. I got a fortune cookie once that said “Truth is what stands the test of experience.” And as I said, the one thing that has stayed with me throughout my entire life was my attraction to women. (And gay men, haha).

Kind of funny because Gaga once said that the song Alejandro was inspired by her extreme attraction towards gay men, and how she always falls in love with gay men. I can relate Miss Stefani, I can relate.

Anyway, enough real talk. Last night was fun. Went to a gay bar with two of my favorite gay boys. Danced with pretty ladies, met some awesome people. The fucking bartender went to my high school! I have the craziest luck ever. The world is so big and yet I always always stumble across people that I know. Maybe I should play the lottery.

Along the Way

I really enjoyed last night. My friends are in a band and they were playing in a new venue in center city, and I pretty much never miss a show on this side of PA. I couldn't find someone to come along with me so I went alone.

Within about 30 seconds of entering the bar, I located the band and chilled with them for a little bit. And then about 5 minutes after that I was getting text after text from friends telling me that they were going to come out. I, as always, made a bazillion new friends. And then, what was really weird was getting a beer from the bartender, tilting my head, and then realizing I made friends with him when I was dressed as Garth from Wayne's World in West Philly.

He got so excited. "Wait!! You're Garth!" "Wait!! You're Adam!"

Needless to say, him and I were practically besties by the end of the night and he was offering free shots and drinks. He's in a band so he even gave me a free CD. I gave him a super big tip because he was so sweet to me.

The band that I came to see.. they have a photographer. This guy, I swear, is exactly what you would expect out of an artist. I knew him since 2007 and last night not only did I see him smile for the first time, but he even hugged me! I was like, blown away.

Someone gave me the photographer's life story. Apparently he was making six figures working for Urban Outfitters (don't doubt it, I know a fashion designer for Urban and she seems pretty loaded). He stopped working there and now he doesn't work at all and lives with his parents. Now he goes to shows with his camera and black clothing and long gray hair and takes a billion pictures. He fascinates me. I've never heard him say a word actually. I've seen him whisper to the band members but that's about it.

At some point Keely stumbled in with her friend Sarah. I freaking love Sarah! So much fun. After the show we went to the gayborhood for gay pizza and we danced a bit at Sisters.

It was a great night. And this is how it always happens.. I go to see this band play, I find friends, my friends and I wander after the show to another place, and by the time we get back we stumble across the band putting their instruments in the van. Every single time.

Tonight will be another fun night. Another gayborhood adventure is planned with me and my besties, Alex and Andrew. I am going by myself and meeting them there, and I'm sure.. as always, I'll find people along the way.

Where I Thought I'd Be

I promised myself that this will be a great year so I decided to keep track of the things that make me happy, because the times when I get sad this year, I can look back at the things that made me happy and remember that this year WILL be good.

So what makes me happy so far this year?

I love that I have been hiding out in my warm cozy apartment with the lights dim, a candle lit, and my soft deep red blankie draped over my body. I've been appreciating the small things in life. I've been napping on my comfy bed, listening to the train whistle blow as it passes by.

I haven't been drinking alcohol. Instead, I've been indulging in nice hot cups of coffee. I've been eating healthy and cooking super yummy vegetarian meals when I arrive home from work.

I've been editing a lot of my past writings, however, I currently have writer's block. My living room is littered with crumbled up pieces of paper with horrible writing on them. I just lost my juice. What I need is some writing adventures to inspire me, but it's too cold outside! When I haven't been able to write the words that need to be written, I've been drawing, painting.

And you know what, I've totally revived my love for drawing and painting. I'm not that great of a drawer or a painter, but that's not the point. The point is that it is more effective in expressing my feelings at the moment, because writing just isn't working.

What else makes me happy? Sitting on my futon next to my Gaga Terry Richardson book watching Glee episode after Glee episode with a glass of water and some crackers.

Also, I've made it a habit to always wake up when it's still dark outside on weekends. That's my favorite time of the day. It's pitch black in my apartment with the exception of a candle and a dim lit centerpiece on my kitchen table. It's such a beautiful time of the day and it goes by way too fast.

This year just feels so good. I feel like I'm exactly where I wanted to be. I remember as a kid I always said "24, that's gonna be a great year for me." I'm not kidding. For some reason, 24 always stuck out to me. I dreamed of living alone (check), near a city (check), as a writer (check), supporting myself (check). On the 29th I'll be 24 and I'm exactly where I wanted myself to be.

I feel like that's something to be proud of.

This Year WILL Be Good

I promised myself it will be good. And I have faith in myself because I learned a lot last year that will help me make 2012 the year that 2011 wasn't.

I learned what a good friend is. Kevin is a good friend. Alex, Nick, Andrew, they're good friends. Keely is a good friend. Nikki and Robert, they are good friends. Good friends are there for you whether you are 100% fine and dandy or 100% miserable and upset. Last night Keely said, "Nicole, I love and care about you so much and I genuinely worry about you when you're sad." That's a real friend.

I learned that my mom loves me but she just can't be there for me the way that I want her to be. I need to accept that. I'm independent, I can get along just fine without her support.

I learned that drinking is fun.. in moderation. Last night was fun. It was great fun. I got really drunk and I had a good time. But that doesn't need to happen much. I look forward to being much more responsible this year. My liver will appreciate it.

I learned that I want to pursue a career. Right now I just have a job. But I also learned that maybe teaching is not for me. I'll probably try it out just to make sure, but honestly writing is my passion. In 2006 I picked teaching because it was practical, but my heart was set on my passion. It looks like my heart won.

I learned to marry my miseries, because artists need their miseries for their work. We all need both the good things and bad things of life. Both are necessary to create a well-rounded human being.

So, this year will be good. I'm starting off with a smile. A big smile. That's really all that I can ask for. Last year was quite frankly a fucking horrible mess. Which gives me all the reason to make this year good. Amazing even. This year needs more laughter and less tears.

I'm determined to follow the right path.