one of those annoying omnivores

I'm partaking in one of my new routines at the moment. My "cinnamon whole wheat french toast with a cup of coffee on Saturday morning" routine. Paired with a glass of lemon juice diluted with water to make sure all of the good stuff from my multi-vitamin absorbs into my body.

Speaking of food, my mother hates me. Okay, not really. I mean, she hates a lot of things about me. She hates that I like women, she hates that I'm a democrat, she hates that I'm an atheist, and... (here it comes) she hates that I'm mostly vegetarian.

I've gotten grief over this for years. I'm not going to get into the history of my eating habits because that would bore you. But I've been mostly a vegetarian for a few years now and that smells way too much like hippy for my super-conservative Christian gay-hating republican mother. And yesterday she brought out the hate. I always avoid bringing up the topics of religion, politics, sexual orientation, eating habits and.. everything really. (Because my mother hates everything about me.) But she was at the grocery store and I was cranky so it kind of just happened.

First let me tell you why I'm a vegetarian. Firstly, because meat grosses me out. The rare moments that I usually eat it (which is usually when I go out to eat with friends), it needs to be overcooked and as un-animally as possible. Secondly, because it's fattening and not good for you. And I don't feel like going there because I get yelled at by meat eaters when I start to explain why. Thirdly, because I love fruits and vegetables and beans and nuts and I can get everything I need from them. Fourthly, I was a fisherlady while I was growing up and have gutted many fish, which has left me incredibly grossed out by eating fish. Fifthly, the horrible conditions that a lot of these animals live in before they are slaughtered is absolutely horrifying. Oh and I grew up around a lot of farms so I know what goes on. And lastly, because I get everything I need from my diet and I'm probably significantly healthier than my crazy mother.

Why am I healthier? There's no cholesterol in my veg diet. I pay close attention to everything to make sure I'm getting all of the vitamins and whatnot that I need, and most meat eaters do not do that. And also because of something that is completely non-vegetarian related..

My mother's house is packed full of snacks. There are none in my house. I hardly ever buy snacks because if they are readily available... I eat them, and I don't want to eat them. Sugar is bad for you. I do eat healthier snacks now and then, like dried cornflakes and nuts and fruit and sometimes popcorn. If I really have a super big craving for sugar, I run down the street and buy a candy bar or whatever. I'm just very careful about my sugar consumption despite my incredibly big sweet tooth. I don't deprive myself when my body is like "GIVE ME SUGAR" but I don't keep it readily available.

Oh and my mother and father drink unhealthy things. They always have soda and super-sugary juices in their home. I only drink water and lemon water for the most part. (As well as coffee with soy milk or skim milk). Except when I'm at a bar, of course! Oh and I thought of something else... my parents consume way too much sodium.

I don't know. I know people hate when people are all "I'm vegetarian I'm vegetarian I'm vegetarian" so I keep that down to a minimum. Besides, I still eat a piece of meat once in a blue moon. However, vegetarians also hate when people are all "That's weird, you're weird, okay hippy, meat is the most amazing thing in the universe, I would eat a whole cow, would it offend you if I ate a whole cow in front of you?" Ugh. And that's why I don't bring it up to my mother. Because she is one of those annoying omnivores.

Moral of the story: Only talk about the weather with my mother.

Drinking.

Keely asked me to go to the casino with her and Troy. I sent her the following texts:

"Been working on my writing for three hours. I'm kind of weird today. Writing does this to me. I'm not so certain you'll be able to lure me out of my apartment."

"I'm walking around my apartment in boxers and an old t-shirt. The casino and Hooters seem too intense for such a blah Nicole."

"I just don't know if I can handle Troy and boobs and horses right now. I'm so blahhhh."

"Horse betting shenanigans seems so intense. I'm hating people right now."

And then she sent me a few texts that basically said "I'll be over to pick you up."

My response: "I guess I can observe and take free drinks from half naked girls."

So I went out with Keely and Troy and I'm so glad I did. You know those people who walk around and give out free drinks? Well, Troy tipped one pretty big and he kept bringing us free drinks. Then, at the end of his shift, he gave us everything that was left on his tray.

The best feeling I could ever have.

Routine has not been a friend of mine. My coworker told me her boring routine today. "Wake up, work, home, make bed, cook dinner, television, sleep." She asked me what my routine is. I hesitated.

"Uh... well, I go to work every day.. and, uh... I wake up on Saturday and drink coffee. Sometimes."

Half of the time I don't even wake up in my own bed anymore, but rather, I wake up on a friend's couch with my hair pointing every which way, still in my work clothes. I like it this way.

Yesterday I went to Kevin's house and I changed my mind three times on the way there. I called him each time. "Nevermind, I'm coming." "Nevermind, I'm not coming." "Nevermind, I'm coming." When I got there, he laughed at me. I told him that I'm like a bird, I'm very flighty. He said he can't handle all of my flip flopping all of the time. I laughed. I told him that's why I'm staying single for the time being.

I've been drinking every night again, whether it be a cold Pabst, a glass of wine, or a Captain & coke. I hope my liver doesn't mind much. I only drink socially, however. The problem is, I'm around people most of the time. The other day I was at a bar wandering by myself while my friends were somewhere. I don't know, we often part ways and find each other again.

My friend is in a band and he was playing at the bar that night. I happened to see him sitting by the bar alone, beer in hand. As always, I drunkenly rambled and he listened patiently with a disinterested look on his face. (I'm very good at reading social cues and knowing when someone wants me to leave, however I usually ignore it because I don't care). But then I struck gold.

 I mentioned my passion--writing.

His eyes lit up like the Fourth of July as I talked about how writing makes me feel. Also, how music makes me feel and how it inspires my writing because it makes my heart feel so good. With my hand pressed tightly against my heart, eyebrows sinking to a "sad puppy" look, I begged for understanding and he understood. He knows what that feels like. To love something SO much that your soul would just die if someone took it away from you. You would be a soulless body. I could see the understanding in his eyes. People like us live for our passions.

So what's been occurring in the life of Nicole? A balancing act. Writing, shows, dancing until the bar closes, home cooked dinner with friends, glasses of wine paired with discussions about sexuality and politics, waking up on comfy couches, hardly ever going home after work, but sometimes still going home after work, hanging up new paintings, thrift store adventures, yoga, collecting little Ganesh statues, excessive consumption of PBR, and flirting with pretty girls that I have no intention of pursuing.

Non-verbal communication and fag hags.

I went to the mall with Kevin and I couldn't help but laugh to myself. My ex-boyfriend is so gay.

How I shop: 

"I want to go into this store." And then I take a quick lap and leave. Sometimes I consult a friend. "Do you think this is a good price?" My average total spent at the end of the day: $20. Usually not spent on clothing.

The stores I like include Zumiez, Converse, Vans, Urban Outfitters, Free People, stores with cooking gadgets, American Apparel, Spencers, Hot Topic, book stores.

How Kevin shops: 

"Um, Nicole, do you want to go into this store?" "Um, Nicole, can you hold my bags?" And then he walks around the store for a good half hour. And then he spends a good half hour in the fitting room. But the stuff he picks out never fits right.. so he spends another half hour walking around the store. Meanwhile I'm standing at the door staring at my cell phone with his bags at my feet. Now and then he yells from the fitting room, "Does this look good?!" His average total spent at the end of the day: $500. All clothing.

The stores he likes include Banana Republic, Calvin Klein... and basically anywhere else that sells plain basic white t-shirts for $50 and man purses and fluorescent tight undies for men.

 He's really so gay. I'm so amused by it. The only thing that's missing is that he wouldn't ever want to actually date a man because he does like women. But men hit on him all of the time.

I conducted an experiment. I planted a seed and I stepped back and watched it grow.

We went into a store and there was this cute little gay man employee. I looked at Kevin, who was headed straight for the jeans next to the gay man, and I over enthusiastically exclaimed "*sigh of exhaustion* Kevin!! You are SO out-shopping me!!!" I gave a little smile to the gay man and found a cozy spot to observe from afar.

Sure enough, the gay employee immediately pounced on the opportunity and assisted Kevin in finding the perfect pair of jeans. He even told Kevin that he would look cute in them. Kevin was very flattered. Meanwhile, I was dying in the corner trying to not pee myself from laughter.

That was amusing.

 But what wasn't amusing was toting around 18 freaking bags that all belonged to Kevin all day. And going into every Starbucks within a 14 mile radius just for him to walk in, observe the line, sigh, and tell me he didn't feel like waiting.

I dated a female for four years. I swear. I killed bugs for him. I held doors for him. I got the grocery bags. He always suggested that we listen to Justin Timberlake. He cooked me dinner. Mind you, last night he made me spaghetti and needed me to open two jars for him. And he forced me to drink wine when I really just wanted to lounge on the couch with a beer and watch The Office.

Everything makes sense to me now. Anyway, Kevin will always be one of my favorite friends. He actually knows me more than anyone else in the universe knows me. Really. And it's scary because to this day we still complete each other's sentences and have complete conversations based off of facial expressions. 

Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed that Kevin isn't gay. He would make a fun gay bff. Then again, I already have like 80 gay bffs. I'm such a fag hag. I could never pull off the post-gay look. I know waaaay too many people who pretty much fall into every gay stereotype. Not on purpose. *shrugs* It is what it is. You can laugh at me all you want. I'll be in the gay club sandwiched between 5 gay men holding cocktails as we talk about interior design and Lady Gaga.

Ten Minutes

I feel like there is something in my head that wants to work it's way out. I don't know. It sounds crazy but it's true. So I'm going to try to "write it out." 10 minute freewrite starting NOW!

I am sitting in the dark. It is 6:43pm. I have my headphones on but I don't have any music playing. I hear loud thumping outside my back window from a vehicle passing my apartment. The only light that is in my apartment right now is provided by a string of Christmas lights... unless you count my laptop screen. I'm wearing a ripped sweatshirt that I do not have the heart to throw away. It's been a part of my life for five years now and I wear it to bed most nights to keep myself warm. I don't know. Tonight is strange. I know I owe my sister a return phone call but I'm just not feeling very social. I was invited to a storytelling competition in Old City tonight but instead I'm here, writing nonsense. Although, I don't mind. I'd usually choose writing of any type over any sort of socialization. Unless I have cabin fever. Sometimes I get cabin fever. I've been thinking about family a lot recently. My one sister seems to have disappeared off of the face of the universe while another one is suddenly hopping back into my life. Also, my brother.. who I haven't seen since September of 2006, called me twice in one month. In addition to that, my mom called me last night "just to talk." This is the second time this year that she called me "just to talk" and frankly I was suspicious. Although, I must say... she sounded extremely depressed. It made me sad. I kept asking her if everything was okay and I felt like she was lying. I'm very confused about my parents. I love them so much and I know they love me.. but I also know that I'm a disappointment. I've disappointed both of them for separate reasons. I disappointed my mom because I am not a Christian and I'm not straight and I don't want children and I'm not a republican. I'm basically the exact opposite of what she wanted me to be. I disappointed my dad because I'm not pursuing my career and I have no intentions of pursuing my career in the near future. I also disappointed him because I moved to suburban Philly and I have no intentions of moving back to the Lehigh Valley in the near future. Actually, I don't ever see myself moving back there period. It's not for me. Just like the traditional "a husband, two kids, and a golden retriever" lifestyle just isn't for me either. The annoying thing is that I know perfectly well what I want out of life. But the people who mean the most to me.. they don't want me to want what I want. They want me to want what they want. And you know what, I'm happy with my own dreams and I'm extremely happy to be following my own dreams.. but in the back of my mind I just think of my parents and how much I disappoint them. They do so much for me and what do they get in return? A kid who is exactly what they don't want. That hurts me. I wish I could be what they want, because they were great parents and they deserve what they want. But when it comes down to it, it's my life.

Okay, the ten minutes are up. I feel slightly better. I'm not going to go up there and edit any of that. It's one hundred percent raw nicole-thought.

Midgetville.

What on earth just happened?! It was about 8:30pm and Kevin and I were in the Home Depot parking lot. "Do you want to go to Home Depot?" "Why?" "I'm sure there's lesbians in there for you." "Okay."

As we were driving through the parking lot of Home Depot, Kevin's eyes fell upon a shed.

"Oh my god Nicole. Do you want to go to midgetville?!"

"..excuse me?"

Kevin then explained to me that there's this little German settlement hidden in the trees. He said that he's been there twice before and it's very creepy. Apparently a bunch of German midgets fled Germany a long long time ago and came to the United States. They couldn't afford to live here so a private club bought them a plot of land and built them very tiny houses (Kevin said about 30-40 tiny houses). He said there was even a little community center with tiny tables and everything.

And then he informed me that we had to walk in midgetville because the roads are too tiny for cars. I was literally like "What the fuck?!"

We got to the road that leads to the entrance of midgetville. It was lined in stones and there were signs written in German, as well as no trespassing signs. Ugh. Great. As if I don't almost get arrested enough. But yeah, it was surrounded by thick woods. He parked by the woods and I could see a tiny dirt road. I also saw, in the distance, a tiny little house in the darkness (thanks to the flashlight).

"Holy shit it's real! My mind is blown!"

So we start walking. More no trespassing signs and signs written in German. He showed me the mayor's house and in the distance I saw about 10 other little homes, smaller than my apartment.

He said "Oh wait, they get smaller as you get further in. There's a whole little town back there."

At that point I said "Kevin, I really don't feel like getting arrested tonight. Let's get out of here."

On the way out I saw the sign again, written in German. Seriously, my mind was blown. He goes, "My friend Chad lives across the street. He said he sees them in the Wawa sometimes." This led to a lot of really NOT p.c. jokes, mind you. Including how his friend Mike informed Chad that "they probably prance through your front yard like deer in the night."

It's one of those things where you don't want to laugh BUT YOU CAN'T NOT LAUGH!!

Oh, and keep in mind that this was so freaking creepy. Midgetville was pitch black and quiet. Kevin scared the hell out of me multiple times. He made me cry. No lie. But I also cried from the laughter...

"It's only 9:30. Why are they sleeping?" "They're little! They probably get tuckered out easily!"

When I got to Kevin's house I started researching it online. He said "Nicole, it's really hard to find online. They're trying to keep it a secret. Apparently there's been a lot of vandalism. Try searching under 'German immigrant settlement'"

I couldn't find it. And then Kevin yells "Oh my god look how creepy!" Kevin shows me his laptop, which has the satellite view on Google maps of the town. All trees. It was creepy. This tiny ass little road with the thickest densest forest ever surrounding both sides.

And then I searched for the intersection where the road with the stones was located. And voila! I found a bar with a crazy German name. Which led me to a confusing website that was going on and on about the German settlers and how they came here to escape the Nazis and as I'm reading on, totally interested, out of nowhere Kevin goes...

"Wait. At what point should I tell you that it's a summer camp for kids?"

Looking up

Life is good right now. Really good. Actually, incredibly good. Things aren't great with my parents but they're better than they've been in over a year. Which is great. Things are freaking awesome in my friend life. I couldn't be happier in that category.

Back in October Kevin kicked me and Alex out of the bachelor pad to turn it into him and his girlfriend's home. Annnnd she goes and leaves him a few days ago. Hah. So then of course, despite the fact that he kicked me out of my residence back in October, I was there for him. Spent a few nights on his couch, gave him hugs when he was sad. Watched from a vacant parking lot as she piled her shit into a big truck.

It's been fun. I'm not going to lie. It's like old times. He had a bunch of people over, including Michael, Kevin, Josa, Will, Keith.. and we've been having some pretty funny times.

Keely and her.. semi-girlfriend somewhat broke up or split up or whatever. So now not only am I comforting Kevin, but I'm comforting Keely. Meanwhile, Keith is seeing a new girl and asking me for bits and pieces of advice.

I like this a lot more. I prefer giving advice and being there for my friends. I love that feeling more than anything. I hate being the one who needs the advice and needs someone to be there for me.

Anyway, I'm going to hang out with Kevin and Keely today. Things are looking up.

low tide, high tide

Today was weird and I'm thoroughly confused. You know when you get very used to things going horribly awful and then out of nowhere things go awkwardly well and you're not sure how to handle it?

I bitch enough about my parents on here for it to be unnecessary to reiterate the whole "ahhh my parents hate me blah blah blah" shit. So I'm just going to say that I went to see my grandmother and parents today and expected it to go just as bad as every other time I see them.

I woke up this morning with one panic attack after another. My anxiety is getting bad. Really really bad. I was about to leave to see my parents at about 9am but I was shaking and freaking out and all of that nonsense. So I did yoga for thirty minutes. And it calmed me significantly.

But then as soon as I started gathering my belongings to head out to my car, I started thinking too much about my parents again and sure enough, my anxiety was right back where it was. It was ridiculous. I was trembling, I checked the stove a million times to make sure it was turned off, I was pacing back and forth... and I just wanted to light a candle and relax for a second. But I was too afraid to light the candle because I was afraid that I'd forget to blow it out.

...

Yeah horrible. I know. I know exactly what I need. Therapy, more yoga, and some take-as-needed Xanax. But I'm poor so I think the yoga is the only thing I'm gonna get around to.

Anyway, then I went to my grandmother's house and it was awful. I wanted my parents to know more about me. That was my goal. As soon as I started trying to open a dialogue about my life, my father left the room angry.

And this is the weird part... instead of my mom taking his side like she always does... she actually tried to calm me down. And she continued talking about my life and my goals with me.

I told her the truth about my feelings. That I can't move back there because it's not me. And that I'm very happy with my life and that I'm living it for me and no one else. And that I don't care what people think about me because I am 100% exactly who I want to be. And that if I knew that I was going to die tomorrow, I wouldn't have any regrets. And that I don't really want to be a teacher right now but I don't want to just sit in an office and waste my intelligence. And she offered great advice.. telling me that there has got to be a way to stay at my current super easy job but still feel like I'm feeding the intellectual side of me.

She gave me hope. And it made me feel very happy.

My dad continued to freak out until I was about to leave. Suddenly, however, he started to comfort me. It was strange. I mean, it was good but it wasn't something that I'm used to at all. I think he saw that I needed him. I mean, I'm quite frankly a mess here of late.

Such a total mess, mind you, that I was so rude to my grandmother. I feel horrible. Okay, if I knew I was going to die tomorrow I'd have one regret. I'd regret the fact that I was so frazzled today that I didn't give her the attention that she deserves :/

Oh and they made up for the fact that they didn't call me on my birthday. They had a birthday cake for me :) It was really pretty. And they gave me a card that made me nearly cry... about how proud they are about my independence and how they love me *sigh*

I'm so confused and stuff. I feel like a few days ago they didn't want anything to do with me. Actually they didn't want anything to do with me for a good year now. And all of a sudden it feels so different. Like they suddenly love me and want to be a part of my life.

I'm so confused and I don't know how to handle this.. mostly because I've been hurt badly by them before when I've convinced myself into thinking that things were getting better.

I don't want to get too excited because I feel like if I do... I'll be back here writing yet another "things are bad again" post. *sigh* I'm just gonna be cautious and take it day by day. That's really all that I can do. I don't want this to make my anxiety any worse.

what the fuck

i have a tendency to wake up at 5am with the most intense thoughts ever. and then i feel the need to write. so yeah. it’s 6:30am, i’m still wearing my clothes from last night, my apartment is freezing because i forgot to turn on the heat, i’m toasting a bagel, and i wrote.. a lot.

this morning’s solo philosophizing, i believe, was sparked by last night. and the night before, actually.

last night at the bar was.. wow. i had the heaviest conversations ever. i discussed welfare, democrats vs. republicans, the intricacies of determining a career path, as well as how people lock themselves up.

keith and i don’t care much about anything. we’re wanderers at heart and we are confused by people who are so locked up by.. something. we can’t figure out what it is. keith, keely, and i are spontaneous little buggers and we have trouble wrapping our heads around the fact that people are just so.. stationary. how is it that keith and i can go on an adventure for.. i don’t know.. an hour (?) and return to a bar in which every single person is still standing in pretty much the same spot? just… standing there looking bored. we are so boggled by this.

anyway, the night before kevin and i had a three hour intense conversation. not like that’s anything new. kevin and i would regularly get caught up in debates and curiosities back in the day. but yeah, yesterday we discussed politics, abortion, sexual fluidity, the idea of being “queer,” how people choose the life paths they choose, and the different ways that people fight.

i love thinking really hard. i love when i can be graced by the presence of a person who likes to discuss life and the way that it is so predictable.

keely and i often have these intense discussions as well.. but she often takes a position that makes me tilt my head.

sheesh.. it is now 6:39 in the morning and i wrote an entire blurb without any capitalization, i have a pad of paper filled with new poetry, and my mind is just.. going crazy right now.

when i do find someone one day, there is one requirement. they must be capable of intelligent conversation on a regular basis.

Good news but.. weird.

I am very.. very.. very confused. Um. This week is so weird. Why is everyone being so nice to me?!

Okay, so my mother called me tonight.

What?! Like.. seriously?! I know that sounds normal. A mom calling a daughter is typically normal. But honestly.. my mom calling me "just to talk" is like...

I can't think of a good analogy because my brain is fried. BUT IT'S NOT NORMAL. She hasn't done that in ages! As far as I knew, she hated me for the last year or so.

Okay, and GET THIS: Kevin called me tonight. Just to talk.

Okay, so he tells me that we can't be friends... and now all of a sudden he's calling me just to talk?!

I think I'm on drugs.

Ignore my horribly written post but I'm just exhausted and confused and.. WHAT THE FUCK?!

What did I do to deserve all of this sudden.. I don't even know.. I'm going to bed. I can't wrap my head around any of this.

It's all good and what not... but I'm still convinced that none of this is really true. I'm probably dreaming or something. I feel like I'm in a dream in which my mom actually likes me and my best friend is still best friends with me.